Ovum Easy, Please

The process, as expected, was demanding, extensive, and completely disgusting. At times I grew weary and disheartened because, day after day, my panties were spotless. During the third week of March, in the middle of a phone interview with a potential employer, my vagina had a eureka moment, and I was able to harvest a respectable yield. With the phone nestled between my shoulder and neck, I flung the entire mess into a sealed plastic container and placed it in the fridge.

A few weeks later I suffered a devastating setback when I went to check on the mucus. Seconds after opening the container my entire kitchen immediately reeked of an unholy mixture of rotting compost and dirty belly buttons. I was bummed to discover that cervical mucus has a shelf life. But, hey, guess what else does? Eggs!

I was much more careful with batch numero dos of huevos vaheena. The fact that I was visiting my parents at the time made it a bit of a challenge, but I persevered. I hid my cervical mucus at the bottom of my closet in my old bedroom, and when my folks were asleep I tiptoed to the kitchen to oil a pan and heat it up. I felt nervous and guilty, but also weirdly hungry.

When I dropped my goo into my mom’s frying pan, it first shriveled up into a tiny ball. I pressed it with a spatula, which caused it to bubble, hiss, and snap. The bubbles were huge; it reminded me more of gelatin than egg whites. Then I sprinkled some sea salt on the mess but there was no reaction, so I slid it out of the pan and onto a plate.

By this point I had lost my appetite and procrastinated on the inevitable taste test for a while, but eventually thought, “My vaginal discharge isn’t going to eat itself,” and slid it into my mouth. Oddly enough, it tasted like salty molasses. It wasn’t sweet or sticky, but it was… barky? So, yeah, there you have it. Cervical mucus may look like eggs, but it fries up really weird and tastes like molasses.