Ever wonder why you cum more often when your boyfriend fucks you upside down? The reason is friction. His bag is banging against your clit so much it gives you what we call “nut bush,” and that stimulation is what brings you to orgasm. If you don’t believe me, then why is it also the name of a peanut tree? Hmm? 2 MID
These motherfuckers handle the aliens you don’t see on your big, fancy Hollywood movie screen. They handle the “illegal aliens” that deal space crack and rape dogs in the ass. MID don’t got no soundtracks or video games or Burger King cups, and guess what? They don’t give a fuck. 3 RAM ROD
These cigars (marked “deputy”) are great for guys whose dicks are so small you have to take acid and talk to a nuclear scientist to even begin to understand how impossibly small they are. Dicks that are essentially a venereal wart with a hole in the tip but even smaller than that. Dicks where the piss comes out in a mist because the urethra is pinching the water molecules. Really tiny fucking dinks. 4 SHARPS
This Kid Glove Shave Gel is made by a really queenie queenie fag fag that used to do all the buying for some fancy health spa called Bliss. When we first got it, we were like, “Big whup,” but after trying it, we were like, “I didn’t know my face could get a blowjob.” Seriously, it feels really fucking good. 5 TIGHTY-WHITIES
We’re not talking about fairly snug Y-fronts over here. We are talking TIGHTy-whities. So tight that when you’re on the bathroom floor puking into the toilet and you feel your ass diarrheaing itself you can just think “oh well” and remove them in the shower without worrying about SO MUCH AS A DROP escaping onto the tiles. They’re like Depends, really. 6 FRESHJIVE TRADING CARDS
Those white-trash found photos in the Freshjive ads are more than just “holy shit”-inducing. They summarize a time when interracial, bisexual drug orgies were as everyday as bell-bottoms. Owning these trading cards won’t make you feel any less jealous of the people who originally took these pictures, but if you collect all 50 and put them together it makes a neat thing on the back. 7 POT EARRINGS
First spotted on Victoria’s Secret model Adrianna Lima and then later on ?uestlove (the Roots), these “Dumbsack Earrings” are more than just the most ostentatious way possible to carry your gear. They are a symbol of Western superiority and a testament to the unquenchable thirst for freedom we all fight for every day.
See actsofism.com for details 8 CHOP SUEY SPECTACLES
A lot of people throw around the word chink without having any idea what it means. They don’t understand the strict upbringing and the loyalty to family and tradition, and there’s no way they ever could—until now. Chop Suey Spectacles were invented by the Chinese government to show everyone what it’s like to be, as Eartha Kitt once put it, “a yella gal.” Try them, it’s weird. 9 RIOT DOLLS
Actually, you know what? Don’t bother. We wore the Chop Suey things for about a day, and though it was fun knowing kung fu and being able to play classical piano, there is some weird shit non-Asians aren’t meant to understand. Like this doll. It was made in a Chinese sweatshop for $0.30/hour, but whenever American reporters try to investigate these places for human-rights violations, the government sends in riot police to escort them out. Oooh kaaye. That’s like making incest survivors slave away at sculptures of Catholic priests all day.
