Bruise Cruise Logbook – Day Four

Today is the last day of the Bruise Cruise and we are kinda sad to be sailing back to Miami. The weather has been pretty shitty and cold and we haven’t really gotten to swim or go to the beach that much. We were hoping we could change that with our last day on the boat.

There’s not tons to say here about the exciting conclusion to our adventure except for that there was a lot more partying ahead of us. And to be honest, I was kinda shocked about how everyone really just cannonballed right in.

Sunday started off pretty wild. I slept through the puppet show pancake breakfast but when I did make it downstairs people were already drinking rum punch drinks in goofy coconut shell cups. I get the impression that people haven’t stopped partying from the night before.

The dating game is back. “Bachelor #2 show us your dirtiest tattoo,” and he pulls down his pants to show the tattoo on his butt of a chimp wearing a hat? Then he asks “Are you able to stand up?” He gives a so so sign with his hand and Damian continues, “Bachelor #2 was up til 9 am drinking.” It’s around 1 pm.

In the next round the Bachelorette is the girl in the gold swimsuit with the fluorescent pants. The bachelor she picked won based on his preference for 70’s over 90’s Playboy which you can clearly tell from his open shirt and mustache. When asked if he thought they would go out on a date he said, “Probably not.”

A special solo performance by Kyp Malone really brings a much needed change of pace to the festival. One of the criticisms I heard throughout the weekend was that people wished there was a more diverse mix of bands playing. “This song is for cameras,” Kyp says to the wall of cameras lining up the first half of the audience. Another complaint was the ratio of press to actual festival goers was pretty out of whack.

Mikal Cronan is on next with a sick chick drummer and Ty Segall on guitar. Bruisers in robes and bikinis are ordering champagne and disco ball drinks while they bounce their heads to the set.

I think the idea of the Bruise Cruise is so awesome that I really don’t want to be a hater here but there are a few things I’d like to complain about. First off the whole thing is just sooo ironic—a bunch of punks in Hawaiian shirts partying on a cheesy corporate cruise liner. But that doesn’t even bother me that much. The thing that does bother me is just that like being on a cruise kinda sucks. The food is gnarly and I still feel like I’m swaying over 12 hours after getting off the boat. Also, there are all these like Myanmar immigrants working on it for something like 12 hours a day / 7 days a week / 8 months a year for very little pay. Just saying—not cool.

It’s too cold to go outside so everyone goes to the open bar. There are a constant stream of waiters with trays passing out hundreds of free drinks—and you can have as many as you can grab in an hour. People are ordering by color—blue for margaritas, red are rum punch, brown is the long island iced tea. Also coming around are frozen appetizers like fried chicken wings and mini tuna fish sandwiches. It’s pitch black, Neil Hamburger is screaming in our ears about narcissism and the boat is swaying—a lot. This is not for the faint of heart. This cruise just stopped being polite and started getting real.

Quintron and Miss Pussycat play and before long Vockah and cru show up and hop on stage. Vockah is doing the thriller dance while the cru is on the maracas.

Crutches girl is back and she’s had Neil Hamburger autograph her chest. She figured he was the least likely person to have someone ask to autograph their chest. She also tells us that she literally got bruised on the cruise.

Dinner and then (surprise) more partying—this time Quintron is djing a dance party on the pool deck. The boat is swaying so bad at this point that the entire crowd of dancers are swaying with it—from one side of the dance floor to the other.

The pool bar closes and we head to the piano bar for a VIP after party featuring more Neil Hamburger. Bunny towel head guy is there and gets thrown out. By the end of the night we are like “Get me off of this cruise!”

I didn’t get a tan or make out with any pro surfers and I still feel so wavy, but all in all we had a pretty fun time. And Michelle, Jonas and everyone who put this thing on did an AH-mazing job. All the bands were great and really fun and nice. Seriously, it was pretty effing rad.

I’d like to give the Most Valuable Partyer award to Vockah Redu and Cru, the girl in the gold swimsuit and fluorescent pants and Billy our camera guy.

Thanks for everything Bruise Cruise. It’s been real.