Chemistry vs. Comatibility: How to Tell The Difference

I get it. I think we all would love to have that instant chemistry, butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling when attending a first date. Many of us crave the fairytale, rom-com dynamic, when there are immediate fireworks when you meet the other person’s eyes. 

However, these expectations are not only unrealistic but also sometimes harmful. While you, of course, want to be attracted to your partner, instant chemistry isn’t always an indication of genuine love and compatibility. 

In fact, some people even believe that it’s a red flag. One Reddit user posted about the topic in the subreddit r/datingoverthirty. 

“I just wanted to share an interesting thought that I heard from a coworker,” the user wrote. “He said that having instant chemistry with a person or quickly falling for them can actually be a red flag. We tend to like people who are like us, because we believe to some degree that our qualities are favorable and maybe infallible.”

They also recommended that instead of relying on an initial spark to influence your dating decisions, you give people a few dates before writing them off.

“It might not be fair to dismiss someone as a candidate after only the first or second date,” they wrote. “As long as they do not violate our boundaries, we should explore people with contrasting qualities..

Confusing chemistry for compatibility

According to Mark Travers, Ph.D., many people get swept away during the early stages of a romantic relationship—oftentimes without even really knowing the other person.

“The intense attraction, the palpable tension, the intimate moments—all contribute to a feeling of electricity that can cloud judgment,” he wrote in his Psychology Today article. “However, beyond this captivating charm lies the foundation of compatibility, the complex mix of shared beliefs, aspirations, and communication methods that sustain a relationship over time.”

It’s crucial for individuals not to prioritize chemistry when assessing compatibility. Otherwise, you might end up in an unfulfilling, surface-level relationship.

“While chemistry ignites passion, compatibility nurtures the core of a lasting bond,” he wrote. “Failing to distinguish between the two can lead to various consequences, from turbulent relationships filled with disagreement to the painful realization that the passion was only temporary.”

Now, that’s not to say that you can’t feel chemistry with a compatible partner. An emotional and sexual connection is important in a romantic relationship. However, the emotional aspect of it takes time to build, and prioritizing chemistry can make you miss blaring red flags.

Not to mention, you can build chemistry. While it helps to have a base level of attraction with another person, oftentimes the deeper your emotional bond gets, and the more you realize you are compatible with them, the more attracted you feel to that person.

Many of my friends have come to me post-first date and complained about the lack of chemistry they felt. 

“He was so sweet, but I just didn’t feel a spark!” or “She was really cool, but I’m not sure if I’m attracted to her.”

Every time, unless the person crossed boundaries in any way, I encourage them to at least give it one more date.