If you’ve ever been moved by a bumper sticker slogan, boy do I have the book for you. Nick Douglas brings us Twitter Wit, a collection of the all-time funniest Tweets! In the coming post-apocalyptic age this book is destined to become a true classic, or at least high school reading material for a generation conditioned to consume only tiny bits of advertising and self-referential drivel that’s genuinely nostalgic for whatever happened five minutes ago.

I thought it might be funny to review this book in a series of Tweets just to really show how dumb the whole thing is, but that would’ve been crossing over to the dark side. I started tuning out of the whole social networking thing around the time Facebook came out, so I really have no idea what makes Twitter a useful service. If you’re using Twitter to dissent against your fascist Middle Eastern government, I see its purpose. If, on the other hand, you’re an asshole with opinions about everything, Twitter just seems like it provides the perfect way for you to shut up less. But grousing about Twitter is just about as gross as indulging in it, so I’m going to quit trying to analyze its usefulness in the world and just go back to telling you about this stupid fucking book.

Skimming through Twitter Wit–I say “skimming” as an overindulgent term for the actual action, because quite honestly this thing is even beneath whatever you read in the dentist’s office before you get a molar drilled–I got the distinct impression that most Tweets, at best, are a pastiche of regurgitated ad slogans and celebrity gossip. Reading this book you’ll see, likely not for the first time, that many, many people will grasp at anything to construct limited meaning in their lives. These Tweets read less like spontaneous attempts at cleverness than fits of existential angst. Just looking at this book depressed half the shit out of me. I’d provide examples but I don’t feel like opening it again. No, actually, that makes me feel like a lazy asshole, so here you go:

“Want to know how I can monetize all of this populist outrage” -BorowitzReport
(Thanks for ruining humanity.)

“I just drank some scotch to take the edge off only to discover it was all edge” -ed_x
(Sigh.)

“I really wish customs agents would stop trying to punk me.” -apulsk
(Ha ha! Oppression! Also wasn’t that show off the air before Twitter came out?)

“Having a tribal tattoo is like having a wallet chain that you are never, ever allowed to take off.” -bluelanugo
(Again, this reference is just pathetically, depressingly old.)

“Just deactivated my Facebook account. I suddenly feel 25 things lighter” -hodgman
(I feel terrible that I understood this.)

“Twittering ‘Skittles’ will get you on the Skittles.com homepage. Isn’t that the most underage Latino abortion thing you’ve ever heard?” -samreich
(OK, that one was pretty good)

Get the idea? Honestly, I can’t tell why Twitter Wit was written as a book rather than a blog or I guess even a separate Twitter account, and I don’t understand why the average over-privileged American finds Twitter useful. Clearly I am the wrong person to live in this awful world, oops I mean review this book.

ALEX DUNBAR

PS: Here’s Nick Douglas’s blog. If you understand it at all, I’ll give you a carrot stick.