GONAD GAUNTLET
Dear Vice,

Where do you find the people who do the bizarre “experiments” (e.g., seeing who can hold their shit in the longest while wearing a diaper and chain-smoking) or for the interviews with the couples who “just had sex”? They are so boring! I don’t blame you guys. I love reading this stuff. I guess what I’m saying is next time you guys need someone for those pages, I’m your girl! Seriously. Feel free to look me up on MySpace/Facebook. In fact, I’ll do you one better: myspace.com/kelleology.

Yours,

KELLEY YULICH
Garden Grove, CA

PS: I loved the “Who’s Hungry?” interview with the Japanese cannibal. I’d give up being a vegetarian only to taste human flesh.

OK, sure. We like adventurous people. Here is your challenge: 1) Get a camera (Polaroid preferred, but we will reluctantly accept digital if necessary). 2) Go to a bar that you don’t normally go to. 3) Get as many photos of human balls as possible. We’ll pay you $5 per sack. Godspeed!


SLACKS FLACK
Dear Vice,

What the fuck?! For years I’ve had to scavenge for your magazine, making my rounds to random record stores, vintage-clothing boutiques, skate shops, and other bullshit stores. I had to do this since you consider mailing things “a huge pain in the ass to deal with.” But I didn’t mind, I liked your “Don’t subscribe to Vice” disclaimer. But now I think you got your skinny jeans two sizes too small and it’s affecting the blood flow to your brain. You’re just gonna bow down to some eBay douchebags trying to make a quick buck off of lazy fucks? Come on! Bust a few more rails, shotgun some beers, and fight this!

D. TORRES
Brooklyn, NY

It’s time to set the record straight about pants and Vice’s stance on pants. Probably 25 percent of people in this office wear skinny jeans and most of them are in the marketing department so they can’t help it. But a quick glance around the editorial section reveals not a skinny jean in sight. Probably because we all have guts and if we wore skinny pants we’d look like Kermit the Frog (except for Liz, who is a teeny person and thus wears correspondingly teeny pants). Still, though, even moms wear skinny jeans now so it hardly qualifies as a trendiness indicator anymore. What else are you going to make fun of us for, wearing “tennis shoes”?


THE BEST LITTLE GIRL IN THE WORLD
Dear Vice,

I’m a reasonably healthy 22-year-old female with several strong yet cute and trendy narcotic vices (alcohol, nicotine, various herbs, and white powders), black dry wit, and a pretty face. I’m smart, quirky, and well read; my aesthetics run to the ironic, postmodern, and indie; I have snappy dress sense and tend to look like a hip 1950s-era secretary or librarian (what trendy bloke wouldn’t want to get fucked stupid by a girl in a frilly blouse, pussy-bow cardigan, pencil skirt, thigh-highs, and kitten heels?); I shave my legs and underarms and trim my pubes; I am clean and smell very good all of the time; and when I get drunk, which I do on good dark beer, hard liquor, or fancy wine, I tend to giggle and talk about my favorite albums as opposed to, you know, stupid or inane things. And I’m an artist and poet, although I’m not threatening, as I never read or show my best works to men. Oh, and I can fuck enthusiastically twice a day, give great head, and ride a road bike in a skirt.

You may have now deduced that I am an extremely fuckable commodity. However, I cannot seem to get a steady date and since I’m not all that crazy I think the main reason is that I am chubby. DOs and DON’Ts captions and commentary seem to support this hypothesis. As evidence, I submit my measurements: 34-25-37. For further reference, I am 5’5” and weigh 127 pounds; my skinny-jeans size is 27. FATASS, I’m aware. When I was a teenage punk, I was anorexic, but I went off that diet plan and now regret it. I’d like to lose another two inches off of my middle and bottom measurement as I’ve heard 35-24-36 is about the ideal female measurement. I’m not sure if this would take five pounds (leaving me at 122 pounds) or ten pounds (117), but I am committed to doing this. (I’m vegan and typically eat about 1,200-1,500 calories per day, so it’s not as though I am lazy or anything.) I’m also unsure if the girls I am trying to live up to are more like 33-22-34/35, and that will take an even longer commitment.

The thing is, I can lose five pounds in two months by near starvation alone (I just did so, I used to be 132 pounds, 36-26-38—a veritable heifer!), but after two months I really have to eat a bit normally for about a month. So achieving a more favorable size for dating a good-looking boy with dress sense and a nice vinyl collection would take about five months. Ideally I would like to have a companion for shows and indie-rock festivals by the summer, so I muse in writing, do you think some fashionable fellow somewhere, someone who does not have a fat fetish or self-esteem issues about his tiny dick or mates who would rib him about not being man enough to get a thin chick, would accept a girl who was slightly above the typical Viceland/Willyburg/Shoreditch size?

It’s not as though I would admit to an eating disorder around him (I’ve learned from past experience), and guys love dainty eaters, so I doubt my means would get in the way of this end. I am simply tired of knowing that, due to my bit of junk in the trunk, I am considered a pass-around snack as opposed to a sit-down meal, so to speak, and that men at the shows I attend probably think that, while I am incredibly fuckable if they put me in lingerie and get drunk enough, my proper role is supine with eight piglets suckling off my tiny triangular teats. Oh yeah, another thing, due to having drastically starved myself as a teen my breasts are a bit small and they point down. Yes. Droopy breasts at age 22. I may as well shoot myself. But I cannot afford cosmetic surgery, just as I cannot shell out for anal bleaching for my olive-skinned, half-bred Cajun-colored butthole, so I suppose any potential mate will have to compromise on a few small matters either way. I’m thankful that at least I keep impeccable personal hygiene and have tiny, trim labia, a symmetrical vulva, and nice tight vaginal walls. If my sex partners close their eyes I’ve been told I’m a fine steak to pound.

For serious, Vice. This is a genuine question and I feel that, if you are going to encourage this mind-set among my peer group, you should at least have the courtesy to address my concern. And I am more than willing to take the plunge and devote myself to the standard you put forth in your reply.

Thank you for the load off my mind,

JOY
Via email

Rather than sending you a list of links to the mountain of DOs and DON’Ts that contradict your claim that men like bony chicks, in addition to one of our favorite Vice fashion shoots of all time featuring hot chubby girls and titled “Dear Anna Wintour: You Are Wrong,” we’re just going to tell you that, news flash: You have an eating disorder. And possibly a touch of body dysmorphia, too, considering that the measurements you describe are fairly tiny. A 25-inch waist? You’re a size 4, lady. The real reason you can’t get a boyfriend is because you’re being a shallow cunt and you want to date shallow cunts of the male variety. Just chill the f out and maybe take a Feminism 101 class at your local college or something. You sound like a Barbie doll.

 

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Letters are edited for length.