VICE Mail

SHRED IN THE FACE
Vice Vice 333 God’s Way
Heavenbound, CA Wow, you called us hell-bound! Nobody has called anybody that in real life since reverends were taking heavy-metal bands to court in the mid-80s. But now that it’s happened to us, we can safely say that being called hell-bound feels amazing! What else are we? Servants of Satan? Are we blasphemers too? Not really, I guess. But here, hold on… “Jesus sucks old Lucifer’s bright red cock in hell and then little Virgin Marys crawl up Jesus’s ass and suck out his Jesus shit.” How’s that? Now you can call us blasphemers too. Seriously, write back! I’LL BE BATH Vice Terminator Via Viceland.com That’s pretty fucking good actually. We’re going to try that.
MERRY XMAS, HENRI Vice Vice Vice Vice Vice Headbanger’s Ball Helsinki, Finland Maybe what Henri really needs for Christmas is for his girlfriend to stop making him look like a little bitch (and in the pages of his “favorite” magazine no less). What are you going to do for him on his birthday? Wipe his ass and chew his food?

GEAR CRISIS Vice Via email Ugh. It’s cool that you want to support companies that advertise in the magazine and everything, but did you really need to write us about tracking down a fucking hoodie? Google the company name or something, Kevin. Or, alternately, take a long look in the mirror and think about your priorities. DOOBIE BROTHERS Vice Via email
We fired that guy because he kept giving “blunts” to “douches” at “festivals.”