We get a lot of fun stuff in the mail. That said, we get A LOT of boring garbage in the mail from galleries and student loan collectors and labels and places, but the tiny fraction of the daily mound that was obviously labored over for multiple hours by someone teetering on the cusp of full-blown mental illness makes it all worthwhile.

Dear Vice:
1. I miss Kid N’ Play.
2. BE MY BOYFRIEND?
Love, [heart sign]
PS: It snowed today, that’s awesome.
PPS: Can we have an open relationship?
Margin note: Most of your maig seems kind a boring, so this is pretty.

But if there’s one thing we like more than the outright crazies (or more likely than not, simple attention-cases), it’s the slow burners—the ones that send out tiny, imperceptible signals into our brain that say, “Don’t delete this! It may not register now, but give it two more reads and prepare for the wickedest cringe of realization you’ve ever had.” They can be a bit of a chore to share, but when you finally get someone to experience the same surge of creeped-out’dness you had, it’s like a level of personal connection typically reserved guys who’ve been in war together.

Hello Viceland, I sent this email to vice@viceland.com, but when I found the editors email I was I thought instead of having some fob web designer read my email why don’t I just get the editor. Yeah I know this looks like one long ass email or one of those disclaimers you get when you try to install something onto your comp. But my name is Anab Ahmed-Jama. Don’t let the Ahmed part fool you, I’m no terrorist, I’m just some ho-hum Canadian trying to get my name out there. I bet you a whole bunch of hacks such as myself, send you millions of emails displaying their work, thinking that just maybe the Patrick Gavin might just actually like their work… OK, I’ll cut the sincere-modest bit and get right to it. I’ve got something to offer your magazine; youth, good looks, and a whole lot of jazz. Yeah I said it, JAZZ. Jazz is just an umbrella word I use to describe a whole lot of great things about myself. So now you’re thinking who is this girl? (Yeah Anab is a girl’s name.) Heh, I don’t matter, my words do. So here is something that sorta tarnishes my oh so many abilities.

——————————————  

Aren’t you sick of getting stuck in avoidable situations where your blitzed dumbass forgets something important like an anniversary, a funeral, or even a friend’s birthday? Luckily for you someone took the incentive to devise some sort of say… get out of guilt free card for such situations. Have you ever forgotten your friend’s birthday? I know I have. All the guilt and future conversations that you just know will mention your friend’s birthday, are just too much. Want to avoid that this year? I Anab Ahmed-Jama have recently written an article on how to rid of these feelings that have shown extraordinary results. Bob from Regina writes “Thank you Anab, because of you, I am now able to completely go about these situations, without feeling any guilt at all.” Jane from Toronto writes “Anab’s tips and tricks on how to atone for missing a friend’s birthday is simply remarkable.” This undoubtedly shows that my advice has helped hundreds, maybe even millions. Don’t believe me? Read the following excerpt from my recent article for yourself.

“Hey *insert friends name here* sorry I forgot about your birthday” you say after frantically searching, looking for that one gift either he/she wanted. “Oh it’s OK” the friend will say after trying so hard to admit the fact that you really did miss THEIR birthday. “No it’s *exaggerate the not* not, it’s YOUR birthday, that’s an important day, sorry I forgot, I’m really I mean really REALLY sorry” you say in order to recognize the fact that you missed your friend’s birthday and that in fact your friend is hurt by this. “Don’t even worry about it, seriously” your friend says enthusiastically as he/she accepts your apology, already contemplating whether you got him/her a present. “But it was YOUR birthday!” you say after giving him/her a good sheesh. I’ve learned that for girls a good eye-rolling sheesh is quite effective. Then you quickly say without having your friend respond to the sheesh “Guess who got you a presrahhhhh’ent… guess what it is?” Instead of asking who and prolonging this process unnecessarily, possibly leading to awkward moments, you proceed by cleverly asking him/her “Guess what it is?”

“Oh you really didn’t have to, it’s nothing REALLY… *sighs, after accepting their hypothesis on whether or not theoretically you got them a present wasn’t inconclusive.* What did you get me?” your friend says pretending not to be excited. “Here open it” you then hand him/her whatever you like putting your gifts in. Then your friend, expresses his/hers gratitude in the way your friend has been conveniently niche’d as. For example a friends that is into say hip hop and the “gangsta scene” would say something along the lines of “ohhhhhhhhh snap,*starts laughing gangsterishly* u copped me the *insert the gift here*, iight iight, dis is taiiheight. I bet you bramm’d some kid fo dis…. iight homie… I’m playin, relax, but fo real dough, *gives cool headnod* thanks for lookin out man *does the gangsta to gangsta shoulder grab*.” Or say for example, a fob receiving a gift would say something along the lines as “it better not be rice.”

So inclusion your results are pretty much guaranteed to work. This of course can be altered in a way to fancy your jargon, and your friend’s too at the same time. If conducted correctly, your goal to make up for missing your friend’s birthday will be successful. 

Look for my next article entitled “chicken masala with a tad of barbecue sauce: now you can be cultured, without tasting it.”
ANAB