RAPE WHISTLE STYLE

Statistically nothing says summer in New York, like a good ol’ fashioned rape or mugging. Thankfully, I haven’t been violated–yet–but I have been jumped each summer for the past two years in a row and I’m worried number three must be on its way. The first time a crackhead tried to pull a knife on me on a subway platform. My impeccable B-movie scream came in handy and saved my ass. Second time around, a hooded figure came at me on a bicycle. Sadly for him, his lightweight fixed gear was no match for my monstrous high-heels–I effortlessly knocked his bike over and treated him to a few hard kicks in the chest.

But if it happens again this summer, I’m sure the outcome will be different, because it’s too damn hot outside. In the middle of a disgusting heatwave, I know if I’m attacked I won’t bother to run or put up a fight at all and I’ll gladly hand over my wallet and body to avoid spending the night in jail for using pepper spray. Therefore, the time has come to invest in a stylish anti-rape or mugging device. So far this is what I’ve found…

The Diva’s Crystal whistle by The Stylish Safety Inc.

This whistle has classic gym teacher vibe with a bit of extra flare—it’s been smothered in sparkles. Perfectly acceptable for a weekend trip to the Hamptons just in case you’re worried you might be harshly judged for carrying an ugly whistle in your beach bag. It only costs $19.99 and is even endorsed by Arnold Schwarzenegger AKA Conan the Barbarian, big time rapist.

Cal Camp Power whistle

This whistle is ideal for outdoor use. Not only will it save you from being molested by a bear, it also doubles as a flashlight, compass, and thermometer. Which is great in case you can’t find your way back to your tent once you’ve had the crap beaten out of you. Basically, it’s for boys and geeks.

Diamond whistle by Cazyan London

This whistle is the cream of the crop. It’s an eighteen-karat diamond-encrusted blower by Cazyan London. This is a whistle for Amex black users since it costs well over $18,000. If someone were to pull this out in the middle of a mugging, this would surely be snatched up before it reached the lips.

Virginia Wolf whistle by Wendy Brandes

This next one is my favorite. It’s the Virginia Wolf whistle by Wendy Brandes. It’s not too gaudy and opens up to reveal a lil’ wolf with crystal eyes inside. There is something comforting about having a mini wolf inside of your rape whistle.

Multi-chain whistle necklace by Missoni

Now Margerita Missoni knows exactly what a girl wants in a safety device. She’s successfully crafted a stylish necklace that can be worn with or without the whistle pendant. This is kind of great since you don’t have to worry about wearing any other accessories. It costs $395, but you can’t put a price on safety, or your rear (well, kind of).

Varsity Crush whistle by Betsey Johnson

Holy cuteness! Leave it to Betsey Johnson to make the most adorable whistle of all time. I’m probably too old to wear it, but this would be a great pre-prom gift for my future daughter. It’s fun and colorful, so she’ll have no problem wearing it. It will also serve as a constant reminder to my daughter that jocks are rapists and to stay away from them.

Juicy Couture whistle pendant

This Juicy Couture whistle is for the JAPS and vagazzlers of the world. They can clip it onto their existing charm bracelet, coach bag, belly chain, velour sweats, or even hang it from a pet carrier in case they’re worried someone might try to take their Bichon Frise. Totes kewl!

Emergency USB whistle

This one is pretty scary. It’s a whistle/USB that can store all of your medical history. The exterior is so intimidating that I think it’s appearance alone might keep people away. I know if I was attacking someone and they pulled this out I would freak. I’d be so scared that some fucked-up biohazardous material was about to be sprayed all over my face that I’d give them my money and run.

Original whistle by Falling Whistles

These whistles I can’t make stupid jokes about because they actually support a cause. Two Americans who recently traveled to the Democratic Republic of Congo run the line. On their trip they ran across an illegal prison of child soldiers—kids who were sent to the frontlines of war only equipped with whistles. That’s kind of messed up. So if you have a heart and don’t want to go to hell, you should probably just buy this whistle and forget everything else I’ve written. They only cost $35 and you’ll feel really good about yourself after you buy one.

ANNETTE LAMOTHE RAMOS