Because the fallout of the UCSB massacre wasn’t already depressing enough, on Tuesday, beloved 80s LA punk empress Exene Cervenka took to the Twitters to tell us Elliot Rodger’s rampage was just a ploy—a “hoax,” as they say— perpetrated by President Obama and his Silurian pals from the Illuminati. According to the X frontwoman, those guys have their little hearts set on making our guns look bad and convincing us to give them away, because the AK-47s we shoplifted from Walmart are the only things standing between us and the Huxley-esque dystopia of every true American’s nightmare. This invisible cabal of lizard-alien overlords also staged Sandy Hook and the Boston Marathon bombing, because apparently, Silurians are more evil than the Daleks and the Cybermen combined.
Either that or Exene Cervenka has misplaced her fucking marbles.
Normally it would be in bad taste to mock an apparently kind of sick, but nonetheless indispensable punk singer who, according to two random people, is much nicer than Billy Zoom. Sadly, her conspiracy-mongering YouTube channel practically begs for a flogging. We watched it all and recapped the most painful bits, so you can waste your time in a different way.
Exene explains why liking black people will lead to instant death
Start at 4:15
“People who…think Obama’s an OK guy because he’s black when we don’t even know who the guy is…they get to go around with ignorance is bliss…They’re just going to go, ‘Why are my eyes bleeding? Do you not feel good?’ And then they’re going to drop dead.”
Exene can’t afford a plane ticket
Start at 1:25
Most musicians make squat and Cervenka has a history of expensive health problems. Regardless, X still sells a lot of tickets on nostalgia tours, so am I wrong thinking something’s up if she can’t afford to fly from California to New York without crowd sourcing?
Bill Clinton points to Miley Cyrus’s bum for some reason
Noideawhat we’re supposed to take away from this. The first American president to play the saxophone raises a finger at Miley Cyrus’ nether-holes in order to… distract us from the otherwise obvious government plot against freedom? Because he’s letching out, as is his alleged proclivity? Because of drugs Cervenka did? In response to the pointing, Miley Cyrus neighs like a horse, which is stupid because no horse could ever sing a song as great as “Wrecking Ball.”
Exene tells us why she doesn’t drink Pepsi
Start at 3:30
“I personally do not drink Pepsi because it is made from baby fetal tissue and Monsanto or something corn syrup.”
Exene hates the hat that came with a hobo costume she bought at a 99 cent store
Start at 2:15
“Where are the patches?” she asks. I don’t understand her problem. That looks like a perfectly fine hobo costume hat.
Hillary Clinton has a squid on her head for some reason
With this one, I think Cervenka’s trying to tell us that Obama isn’t Hawaiian or Kenyan, but Egyptian, just like those mummies who forced their slaves to build pyramids that served as landing stations for communist extraterrestrial spacecraft. Also, Beyonce is the She-Hulk.
Exene rambles over pictures from the Boston Marathon bombing, makes zero fucking sense
Jesse Ventura once pondered whether the government deploys bafflingly moronic conspiracy theorists to discredit the legit ones. If he was right, does being a sleeper CIA agent make Cervenka more punk rock, or less punk rock? (Bonus Boston Bombings ranting.)
Apparently, the End-Times Rapid-Response Speed Dating Service is worthless
Cervenka reports that her efforts to find a post-collapse of society snuggle partner via the End-Times Rapid-Response Speed Dating Service have thus far proven almost completely for naught. From this, we can conclude that the End-Times Rapid-Response Speed Dating Service is a shitty dating service. Although a Google search for the End-Times Rapid-Response Speed Dating Service doesn’t turn up anything either, which makes me wonder if Cervenka made it up and her entire new shtick is an Andy Kaufman-style mass prank.
Exene’s advice for women hoping to survive the zombie (or whatever) apocalypse:
Start at 4:00
“You know what you’re going to be doing? You’re going to be driving through Louisiana, Alabama, and Mississippi. You’re going to be looking for a house with a front porch with a bunch of stuff on it, including a rebel flag, a confederate flag, and you’re going to go running up those stairs, and go pounding on that door, and you’re going to hope that some man is going to take you in. That man will open that door. He’ll be a big guy with a beard. He’ll have overalls with no shirt. He’ll have a gun in each hand… You’re going to say, ‘Oh, Hi, I’m so sorry to bother you, but I’m lost. I don’t know my way around. I’m supposed to be at the strip club for a job interview, and I’m out of gas. Can you help me?’ And you’re going to look past that guy, and you’re going to see three big women on the couch. And he’s going to look down at you, lady, and go, ‘I’m sorry, lady, I can’t help you. I got more mouths to feed than I can handle now. You got a pretty face, but I don’t do skinny.’ And he’s going to slam the door in your face. Watch out for alligators. OK, now, you will spend the end of the world pregnant.”
"Motel Room in my Bed" is still one of Barry Thompson's favorite songs. Follow him on twitter @barelytomson
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