Arse munching. Salad Tossing. Kissing the Chocolate Starfish. Yes, we're talking about rimjobs and depending on the individual, he or she either loves doing it or having it done or thinks it is the absolute grossest sex act there is.
You can't really blame those backdoor naysayers because, well, as Amy Schumer says in "Milk, Milk, Lemonade," that is where your poop comes out. Because of that, there are all sorts of issues with rimjobs, some due to cleanliness and some due to illness. When arse eating goes good, it's great. But when it goes bad, it goes very, very bad.
Here are some of the worst arse-eating horror stories you'll ever read, as told to VICE contributors Brian Moylan, Justin Caffier, and Amber Bryce.
Slippery When Wet
I'd been seeing this girl sporadically and decided it'd be fun to have her over to fuck while I was house sitting for my boss. She came through, and we started having sex in the fancy master bedroom shower. We decide to do some anal while in the sterile confines of the shower, and after a little of that, she was getting sore. So I pull out, quickly rinse my dick off, and get on my knees to start rimming her to help her get into it and relax.
I don't know if it was the heat from the shower, the sudden shift in blood from having a stretched out arsehole, or a mix of the two, but just a few seconds into my rimming, she starts going limp and falls hard on my nose. I'm quickly scrambling up to catch her and slipping around on the tile.
She's woozy and regaining consciousness when I drag her out, soaking wet, to the bed. She says that had never happened to her before, so it must've been a fluke. But in those 15 to 20 seconds, I feared the worst, like she'd had an aneurysm or something. Besides dealing with the tragic loss of life, how would I have explained that to my boss?—__Chuck, 29, Norfolk
When I was in high school, I was getting curious about kink, and suggested to my bf at the time that I rim him as a previous partner had introduced me to it. He was a little grossed out at first, but he took a shower and then figured out that he LOVED IT.
Well, two years down the road, we couldn't have sex without me paying attention to his arse somehow, because if I didn't he would lay on his back with his knees on his shoulders and WHINE AT ME until I gave in. This led to it being a huge turnoff for me in that relationship, especially when he became complacent and his arsehole was dirty all of the time.
Many years later, I am with the guy who got me into it originally, and we have a grand old time doing almost anything imaginable with each other.... and he doesn't whine at me to suck his arsehole like a little bitch.—Laura, 27
I clearly remember the guy. He was in his 20s, blond, fit, very good-looking and very sexy. But there was something wrong with his skin color, though. I couldn't tell if his skin was yellow-grayish because of the poor light in the booth at the Universe Gym [a Parisian bathouse], or if there was something off with him.
His arse was totally sweet to eat, perky and bubbly. But a few days later, I started to feel super weak. Something was definitely wrong. I went to the doctor, and it took me an hour to walk 500 meters. I was so weak, and I had to stop walking every 30 seconds.
I did blood exams, and the result was Hepatitus A. I started to turn yellow and threw up everything I was trying to eat. After two weeks, I started to feel a little better, but my boyfriend at the time contracted it as well, most likely form eating my arse.
Apparently there's a delay between the time you contract the virus and the time you get sick. It took us six month to get over it. It was horrible. —Pierre, 42
Teepee on the Tongue
I almost never do butt stuff. I'm very poop-squeamish. But part of it might be related to a quasi-horror-story. The first rimjob I ever gave, I paused to pick a little something off my tongue, and it was a scrap of toilet paper, which just made the thing far too visceral, a reminder that my tongue was doing something he had done with toilet paper not long ago. I wonder if that is what ruined rimjobs for me forever. I also remember the first time I looked at my own butthole in a mirror, and it horrified and upset me. I don't like the idea of anyone looking at it ever. —Monica, 29
The worst thing about eating arse is that sometimes on first lick there is a bit of a chemical taste – I think from the soap my boyfriend uses. —Laura, 27
Back in my slutty days, I once took a guy home from a bar. He was a dancer and had the most beautiful arse I've ever seen. It was big and lightly covered in fur, and since I love eating an arse, I just had to get my mouth all over it. Everything seemed fine, and we had a great time. The next morning, I got up, got dressed, and went to get my haircut. While I was at the barber, I noticed I had like a pimple near my mouth, which was annoying, but whatever. Then, when I was done getting my haircut, there were two more. By the time I got home, there were little white bumps all around my mouth.
I went to the doctor two days later, and he told me I had a bacterial infection on my mouth, probably from eating out a dirty hole. He gave me some cream, and it went away in a few days.
The worst part, though, was before it went away, I went to a friend's house, and his roommate totally clocked me and said, "Is that a breakout from eating arse?" I don't know if I should be embarrassed that he knew or embarrassed for him that he'd had it too. —Julian, 39
The Brown Eye
I was licking the arse of my boyfriend at the time, and while that was happening, he suddenly ripped a big fart on me. He collapsed in a giggle fit while I was completely turned off and kinda pissed.
I didn't think much more of it until a few days later when I woke up with my eyes glued together with crust. My boyfriend had given me pinkeye from farting while I tossed his salad. I didn't break up with him over that, but it's no surprise we didn't last much longer.— Steph, 24, Orange County
So the first time my high school gf and I tried anal play, we were drunk, and she really hadn't prepared too well. We were messing around late at night in the basement of her parents' house while they were asleep. It was a big enough house that they were far enough away and not likely to hear anything. We'd figured that out in the past.
So I start licking her butthole while rubbing her clit, and she's breathing heavy, and I think getting into it. Suddenly she says "Oh no!" and I feel a gritty wetness on the tip of my tongue. A millisecond later the taste hits me, and I start spitting and gagging and loudly saying, "What the fuck!" Apparently my licking had knocked loose some liquid feces somewhere deep in her bowels.
Her parents, fortunately, didn't hear my cries and come down. But there was a streak of brown on the tan suede couch we'd been messing around on, and despite our best efforts, the stain never came out. I remember noticing it every time I went over there. —Anthony, 27, Miami
I had been partying for like a week straight. After drinking all the booze, I wanted to have all the sex. I talked to this really hot muscle guy who I had been chatting with on Grindr for months, and I finally went over his house to hook up.
We were making out, and I was feeling totally fine, and then he was fingering me, and then he was rimming me, and then all of the sudden he got up and ran really quickly into the bathroom. I heard hacking into the sink. I don't know if he was actually vomiting. I figured out what happened, and I was like, "Oh, no. Oh, no." I knew I pooped in his mouth. I just sat there. He came back in, and I was like, "Did what I think just happened really happen?" He said yes, and I was like "I'm going to go."
I went to the bathroom, and there was a whole bunch of poop back there. I didn't feel it happening. He was fingering me, and I think he churned it up. There was no warning. I didn't even have that farting feeling. It came out of nowhere. On the walk home, though, I was horribly sick and was running to my apartment because I had explosive diarrhea for the rest of the night.
Before I left, while I was getting dressed, I was trying to tell him that one day it would be really funny and a great story to tell, but I don't think he bought it. After all, I wasn't the one with poop in my mouth. — David, 32
The Tag Team Salad Toss
Many moons ago my good friend and I were out, and we met this really hot guy who was like a super cute surfer and had this amazing surfer kid vibe. We took him home to have a threesome, even though I didn't really ever hook up with this friend. The guy really wanted us to rim, but I was not into it, even though rimming is one of my favorite things in the world. Partly it was because it was my good friend, and we were just hooking up with each other to get to the hottie.
Anyway, he is like really into us rimming each other, so I fake rim my friend. I just put my face in his arse and make these crazy slurping, lip-smacking sounds while my friend is sucking the guy off. The guy totally calls me out and is like, "That sounds fake." Then I had to be quieter and really pretend. He eventually got up to watch cause he didn't believe me! So I had to rim my friend a little bit, but I had one of those "this is not sexy at all" looks, and I just transitioned to something else." —Aaron, 31
Dinner Date with a Nugget Muncher
One evening, I was online surfing craigslist ads. To my surprise and delight, there was a guy nearby who was looking. I was a bit skeptical because the pictures he sent were very attractive, and I reasoned that they were either grabbed from the internet or old. I arrived at his place, and he was exactly as he appeared in the pictures he sent, so my heart (and my cock) did a little jump for joy. Handsome face, hot body, and mischievous demeanour.
He asked me to make myself comfortable on his "rim chair." That gave me pause, because I was not fresh and clean in my nether regions, which I hastened to point out. He said that it would give him great pleasure to sniff and lick my ripe hole. What to do? I decided I would "broaden my horizons" by trying something new. Plus, did I mention that he was hot?
In truth, it wasn't a rim chair at all; it was two paint cans and a couple slats of wood. I had visions of the wood slats breaking and sending splinters into my arse and his face. I have to admit that he was very skilled with his tongue and it felt amazing. But a funny thing happens when you're being rimmed – the sphincter starts to relax. Unintentionally, I let out a few farts as I was riding his tongue, and it seemed like my gas encouraged him, and he was making little moans of pleasure while pumping his cock with his hand.
Distressingly, I felt the rumblings of a bowel movement deep in my gut, so I stood up to bring an end to the rim job. He was baffled, and I was slightly embarrassed to admit to him that I thought we should stop lest I accidentally poop on his face. He looked at me and said earnestly, "That wouldn't be a bad thing."
This sexy man wanted me to defecate on his beautiful face, and I was horrified – yet intrigued. I tried to decline, saying things like: "I'm not into scat," "I don't like the smell of shit." "This isn't very sanitary." Wordlessly, he led me back to the makeshift rim chair and sat me down, and he put a small towel around his neck, the way a hungry diner tucks a napkin into his collar.
The little circles he was making with his tongue were working magic and re-stimulated that strong urge to dump, so I let out some nuggets. The most unnerving thing was not shitting on a guy, but the fact that I could hear him chomping on my logs. The thought turned my stomach a bit, but somehow my dick was rock hard. Perhaps it was the visual stimulation of this really attractive man, or perhaps it was the pleasurable sensations he was sending through my body with his tongue – whatever it was, I started to relax and enjoy the experience, and I vividly recall riding his chin like I was at the rodeo.
There were a few times that shook me from my daze when he'd ask me to stop shitting so that he'd have time to chew, and it would reoccur to me that I was pooping on someone's face. But to his credit, he did not make a mess, and I never smelled anything. After we both nut, I sheepishly thanked him, put my clothes on, and skedaddled. He texted me a few times after that, but I did the ghosting thing and didn't reply. I think one time was plenty. —Dave, 27