Hey selfish! It’s about time you put some effort into your Christmas gift giving. Getting mum yet another scented candle is not good enough. Sure, she’ll smile, thank you and say that she loves you, but the truth is, she wants something more considered. So to help you out, we sent our intern window-shopping and she put together this list of prezzies to purchase for your nearest and dearest…
Crying Boy
Here’s a cheery image, perfect for any room in the house. For some reason, reproductions of this painting were commonplace in middle-class homes in 1980s England. It’s popularity started to wane after it kept on being found in the charred remains of burned down homes. The media began to report that it was cursed. The tabloid frenzy that followed saw hundreds of copies of the Crying Boy being incinerated on mass public bonfires.
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Stoats on Motorbikes
Taxidermy requires a steady hand to work the needle through the furry hides with minimal damage and to artfully replace the tiny organs with just the right amount of stuffing, just like Santa’s elves carefully whittling flutes from Nordic pine! eBay is littered with real bargains in the comedic dead animal sphere. You can get hamsters on My Little Ponies too!
Stevie Nicks Tambourine
Not sure what to buy your clearly gay, but still in the closet, and slightly depressed uncle? Send in a photo and this kind lady will paint a picture of him and Stevie Nicks in an intimate embrace on a tamborine. Perfect.
Disease Cuddly Toys
Got a youngster in the family? Why don’t you get them a huge, soft, cuddly HIV microbe? Or if that is too scary for them you could plump for a less worrying malady like Ebola? Or if they are really wet then go for Chlamydia (pictured).
Murder Relics
This site is like eBay but for people who want to own something that real life killers have actually touched. Here you can bid on loads of murder relics, from cannibal killer Jeff Dahmer’s signed jail pass (pictured), to an original Myra Hindley headlined newspaper signed by Ian Brady (talk about two birds with one stone).
Bacon Salt
This is the perfect gift for bacon lovers out there. We’ve previously perused various bacon products, but this one takes the bacon. Buy this and pour it all over everything you eat? Then it’s bacon all day, everyday. Dreamy.
Aussie Bums’ Wonder Jock
Worried your balls aren’t big enough? Well, if you are paranoid about your weeny genitals, yet insist on wearing repulsive miniature swimming trunks so everyone has to gaze at your inguinal ridges while they are trying to enjoy their swim, then this is your dream come true. These fetching pants ‘enhance your natural assets’. If the Wonder Jock is too small, go all out and get the Big Boy.
