How Is the Tetris Movie Going to Work, Exactly?

Like... why?

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May 18 2016, 2:35pm

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Why do people even make films? Why do people write books? Why does that smelly man round the corner from my office do crappy street art on the hoardings of the new Nobu hotel? Why does anyone do anything? This is a question I'm sure millions will ask in light of the news that a Tetris movie now has enough funding for "a trilogy." Tetris, the game you don't get. The game that was created in a fucking Soviet computer dungeon, with evil in every colored block. There is going to be a film of this boring ass game.

The movie, which has been rumored since 2014, finally has the financial backing it needs to inexplicably exist. It will be a China/US venture, according to Deadline, with the princely sum of $80 million reportedly attached to it. We do actually have some exclusive info about the project however.

Let's have a look at the current cast of characters:

LONG BLUE BLOCK

It was all 'falling into place' for Long Blue Block, rumored to be played by Gerard Butler, before a freak accident ruined his career, and his life. A family man, Long Blue Block was always the star of the show, being saved for the end of the game so you could slot him on on the end and delete loads of blocks at once. But tragedy struck the dreamer from small town West Virginia when he and his wife, Yellow Backwards L-Shape Block, were involved in a car accident after attending the soirée of shady Tetris billionaire Vladimir Kasparov (Jason Statham), killing his college sweetheart and turning him to alcohol and drugs. Long Blue Block suspects foul play, but with the police in Kasparov's pocket, how will he find justice?

UPISDE DOWN T-SHAPED PURPLE BLOCK

The beguiling and charming Upside Down T-Shaped Purple Block was a down-and-out working girl trying to make ends meet. Played by Michelle Rodriguez, the plucky block rose through Kasparov's ranks to become his right-hand woman. She begins to develop feelings for Long Blue Block, however, and seeks out the same justice she was never afforded. Where will her loyalties lie—with the man who saved her from poverty, on the juddering blue block who has stolen her heart?

Z-SHAPED GREEN BLOCK

Z-Shaped Green Block (Kevin Hart) is Long Blue Block's wise-cracking best friend from high school. The perennial sidekick, Z-Shaped Green Block begins to harbor ill feeling towards Long Blue Block, who is always the center of attention, while he remains crushed under his peers, including the snooty, Princeton-educated Orange Square Block (Michael Cera). Is Z-Shaped Green Block in on the conspiracy? Could he ever betray his friend like that?

Yeah, this sounds like it's going to fucking suck.

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