Brady Is Back, ODB and the Net Kiss and Make Up, and More from NFL Week 5: Dumb Football with Mike Tunison

Friends, it's a time of great divisiveness and turmoil in our nation. People are posting tl;dr earnest political rants on Facebook. Pepe and Kermit aren't talking anymore. The guy serving me at the bar is secretly a Nazi on the internet.

It's all gone to hell. We destroyed the light and there's no going back. In times of uncertainty and strife, where can we turn for even momentary respite? Ken Bone? Yeah, you could probably do that. But you could also have your heart cockles warmed by this spectacle:

After getting into a heated battle with each other in Week 3, Odell Beckham Jr. and the kicking net set aside their differences and made nice. Sure, the Giants lost a plodding Sunday night game that was overshadowed by a horror show of a presidential debate, but on the bright side Beckham scored a late touchdown and that was enough for him to have some fun in a sport that he says no longer is a source of much fun.

In case you've been living under a rock for the past few weeks (or decades), just know that whatever force is responsible for the universe hates the Cleveland Browns. A lot. So much that when Tom Brady needed Victim No. 1 for his comeback revenge tour, cosmic forces made sure to provide Cleveland, depleted by injury and generally just being the Browns.

The matchup of the Brady-led Patriots against the Browns was as vicious as it was predictable. It's truly a blessing that LeBron James won a championship for this city to power it through football season. Naturally, CBS was there to back a dump truck full of salt into the wound with the requisite Browns quarterback graphic.

Meanwhile, the Browns went through three quarterbacks on Sunday, with Cody Kessler and Charlie Whitehurst getting hurt before Terrelle Pryor had to abandon his wide receiver post to take some snaps under center. Really, the only reason to watch the remainder of this Browns season is just to see how many quarterbacks they use. They're up to five in five games. No reason to believe they won't let up on the gas and ruin ten more passers.

When not being fined for twerking, Antonio Brown is drawing the ire of NFL brass by giving tributes via his footwear. On Sunday, he was forced to remove cleats he wore bearing the image of Muhammad Ali or else he would not be allowed to return to the field. This drew a lot of outrage online, because first of all it's dumb, and also because Brown was permitted to wear cleats honoring the recently passed golfer Arnold Palmer in Week 4. Was it a matter of the NFL being super racist about dead guys? Not this time, at least. Apparently Brown got permission to wear the Palmer cleats, according to Steelers beat writer Mark Kaboly, but not the Ali ones. Brown was forced to remove cleats depicting his children's faces in Week 3, because football is family, not your actual family. That's the Shield's reasoning, anyway.

CBS kindly provided viewers at home with the stats proving that Brown did better with the second shoes, anyway, so it's actually good that the NFL is a draconian beast horny for automation.

In an effort to build the following of its flagship Twitter account, the NFL announced that it was banning official team accounts from posting GIFs or videos of highlights on game days, with fines starting at $25,000. Frankly, I have a hard time getting worked up by team accounts not being able to post GIFs so long as the league doesn't come after fans, which is a dumb enough strategy to be a virtual certainty with the NFL at some point in the future.

If the NFL is going to force viewers to follow its main account for game-day video, though, it could at least refrain from spamming us with stuff like this:

Now in theaters… — NFL (@NFL)October 9, 2016

Baltimore Ravens kicker Justin Tucker is not left-footed so far as anyone knows, so this was a bit of a giveaway that the team was about to go for a fake. On the other hand, Tucker is also so good that it's possible he just got bored with kicking with his right foot.

Washington nearly fell for it, too. Safety Duke Ihenacho admitted after the game that he might have kind of, sort of tripped Ravens tight end Crockett Gilmore on purpose to avoid giving up the first down.

Baltimore also fell prey to one of the thousands of cruelties that comprise the sport of football when Ravens linebacker C.J. Mosley intercepted Kirk Cousins and, while attempting to extend the ball for a touchdown on the return, fumbled it into the end zone and out of bounds, where it was ruled a touchback. Given that Washington's play started on their own three, it amounted to a 17-yard gain. Football is occasionally structurally dumb.

Steelers fans start chanting Heath after Jesse James catches a pass. — Jordan Heck (@JordanHeckFF)October 9, 2016

Tight end Heath Miller's retirement has been tough on Pittsburgh Steelers fans. They needed a reticent white guy to project all their blue-collar values onto and now he's gone. Instead, there's Jesse James, who's not quite as talented as Miller but has the milky white skin necessary to provoke Steelers fans to shout "HEEEAAATTTTHHHH" at him anyway, as they did with every Miller reception during his 11-year career.

Poor James even had a reporter yesterday asking him after the game how he feels about fans constantly reminding him that his predecessor was the better player. He's taking it in stride. "I like it, I enjoy it. It's tradition, especially a guy like Heath," James said. "Being able to honor him each and every week in the stadium is awesome." He's not mad, you all. It's actually quite funny to him.

At least in the sense that they've each committed a turnover. I can't vouch for personal stuff, sorry. Carson Wentz was intercepted on a desperation heave in Detroit as the Lions upset the Eagles for Philly's first loss of the season. Wentz still played well, but with QB wins culture being what it is, rest assured someone will sound the alarm that he sucks now.

Prescott lost a fumble against Cincinnati, though it was considerably less costly given that it occurred when Dallas was up 28-0 in the second half. The Cowboys QB still has yet to throw a pick, and now he's within seven pass attempts of Tom Brady's record for most attempts to start a career without an interception. That's pretty heady company. I'll leave it to Cowboys fans to interpret that as a sign that they're winning three out of the next four Super Bowls.

So this just happened. — Eric Thompson (@eric_j_thompson)October 9, 2016

The Vikings are the NFL's last undefeated team, so Minnesota fans: it's time to get your paranoid rituals locked in now for maximum delusion. Wearing a certain kind of underwear? Taking a specific route to the stadium? Gnawing off a bunch of fish heads? Sure, fine, yeah, good. Just remember, that's the lucky thing you're stuck with for the rest of the season. So you better have a hankerin' for some fish heads, pal.

1. Tom Brady, New England Patriots. Dreamboat is back and he made the quick work of Cleveland that everyone expected. Brady passed for 406 yards and three scores, showing no signs of rust, though he does need to work on what was either a dab or an attempt at Usain Bolt's signature pose.

2. Vic Beasley, Atlanta Falcons. Atlanta's offense has been its key to success so far in 2016. The Falcons weren't expected to match the 42-point average they'd scored over their previous three victories at the Mile High Stadium, but thanks to Beasley's three and a half sacks and two forced fumbles, Atlanta could play on Denver's terms and still come away with a win.

3. LeSean McCoy, Buffalo Bills. When Shady was shipped from Philly to Buffalo before last season, a lot of people knocked the Bills for acquiring a running back with five-plus seasons of wear. McCoy is showing this season there's still plenty in the tank. On Sunday, he rushed for 150 yards on only 17 carries, making the Rams defense look foolish in the process.

4. The Green Bay Packers O-line. Here's a quick sample of how much time Aaron Rodgers had to throw on Sunday night:

5. T.Y. Hilton, Indianapolis Colts. After Colts general manager Ryan Grigson spent the week blaming Andrew Luck's contract for the lack of help the team has been able to provide him, one of Grigson's few notable draft successes, receiver and backpack collector T.Y. Hilton, came through with a big day in a win over the Chicago Bears. Hilton had ten catches for 171 yards and a score, so Grigson can use that as a talking point once calls for his job resume after the next loss.

1. Drew Kaser. The Chargers rookie punter shanked one just outside his own end zone with seconds left in the third quarter. The punt went for all of 16 yards, setting up a Raiders touchdown that would prove to be enough for a win. Why those 34 points held is partially due to the fact that Kaser also fumbled the snap on a very makeable game-tying 36-yard field goal with a little more than two minutes remaining. Luckily he embraced the Punters Are People Too hashtag before the season, perhaps anticipating the many incensed calls for his job.

2. The Miami Dolphins O-line. The Dolphins offense is in disarray and with a 1-4 start, the team's season is nearing the point of no return. Sure, some of that has to be laid on Ryan Tannehill, who had two interceptions on Sunday as Miami only had 200 net yards of offense on the day. But it's hard to do much of anything as a quarterback when you're under pressure on two-thirds of your dropbacks. Laremy Tunsil and Branden Albert were both out of the lineup, so there's reason to believe things will improve when they return—that is, if Tannehill survives that long.

3. Brock Osweiler. The Broncos may not have gotten spectacular play out of rookie quarterback Paxton Lynch in his first pro start on Sunday, but it could be worse—they could be stuck with Osweiler after giving him big money in the off-season. That's Houston's plight for the foreseeable future. And while going against the Vikings defense is a considerable challenge, the Brocktopus did little to prove to himself up to the task, completing just four of 18 passes for 45 yards when under pressure. His high point of the season so far is a Week 1 victory over the lowly Bears, and even then he didn't post a rating above 90.

4. Todd Bowles

and

5. Jeff Fisher. We had multiple coaches engaging in 7-9 bullshit this week. The true master of the art, Jeff Fisher, opted to kick a field goal from the opponent's three with his team down a touchdown and with less than six minutes to go against Buffalo. Later, when faced with a fourth-and-five from the Rams' 23 with less than four minutes left, Fisher decided to pull out the fake punt. Granted, Fisher has had success with special teams fakes in the recent past, but few teams would be fooled in this particular situation. The Bills certainly weren't. L.A. might not have much of an offense, but they would have stood a better chance with a conventional play rather than a fake everyone saw coming.

Bowles, meanwhile, is under fire for calling for the Jets to punt on a fourth-and-two from their own 46 when they trailed 24-13 with seven and a half minutes to go in Pittsburgh. New York's defense had been struggling and the Steelers responded with a five-minute scoring drive that removed all doubt. Bowles took the blame in his postgame comments, and let's hope he learns from the experience, as the NFL already has more Jeff Fishers than it knows what to do with. It's a crazy year when Jack Del Rio is setting the standard for coaching bravery.

Let us consider the career of Derek Anderson, or, as some internet wags may know him, Horse Balls.

One of the poor souls condemned to the scroll of Browns quarterbacks, Anderson's time in Cleveland seems like forever ago, yet he's arguably had the most success of any Cleveland passer since the franchise was rebooted in 1999. In 2007, he emerged out of nowhere to throw for 29 touchdowns and lead Cleveland to ten wins, albeit not a playoff appearance due to the AFC being stacked that year. He hasn't started more than nine games in a season since.

And then for a long time, nothing happened. Okay, he had a brief stint as one of the doomed quarterbacks to follow Kurt Warner in Arizona, a period best remembered by a press conference in which Anderson got justifiably upset because a reporter demanded to know why the quarterback could have a laugh on the sideline despite the fact that his team was losing.

The best thing you can do in the NFL, and probably life in general, is sit around making money and not be asked to do anything. That has been Anderson's hustle the past six years, where he's been a backup in Carolina and has started a grand total of two games. Tonight, though, it becomes three, as Cam Newton is sidelined with a concussion suffered last week in Atlanta. Oddly enough, both of Anderson's two previous starts for the Panthers came against tonight's opponent, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, in 2014. Both were victories, so do with that what you will.

The NFC South rivals can't be thrilled to find themselves among the three-way tie for the bottom of the division. The Panthers are coming off a Super Bowl appearance while the Buccaneers fancied themselves an up-and-coming team in 2016. At 1-3, both are in desperate need of a victory if they plan to make something of this year. To that end, Bucs quarterback Jameis Winston knows he needs to do a better job of protecting the football, as he already has ten turnovers in four games this season. In a conference call with reporters, Winston made 11 pledges to do better limiting turnovers, marking himself as a true believer in the One to Grow On philosophy.

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