This article originally appeared on VICE Australia/New ZealandGenerally speaking, sex is quite nice. People seem to like putting their mouths on vaginas, putting their dicks in asses, putting their skin on other people's skin. And I get it. Kissing a sweaty person when they are a little bit salty? That's the best. Looks good, feels good, smells sort of okay. Frankly, sex is just a fiesta for the senses.
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Objectively though, it doesn't taste great. That's just a fact, my friend. For example, if you were served a dish at a restaurant that tasted like someone's vagina, you probably wouldn't say, "Delicious! Compliments to the chef!" In fact, you'd probably be thinking, Something's gone very, very wrong in this kitchen.What if sex could be both fun and conventionally delicious? That might well be the whole premise of flavoured lube—feeling like you're eating a pussy and drinking a Piña colada at the same time.But does flavoured lube actually taste good? Honestly, I'd never tried it. So I decided to taste test five different flavours to see if I could find a properly delicious lube. A lube I could plate up in front of the MasterChef judges and tell them, with tears in my eyes, "This is me on a plate."
PIÑA COLADA
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Packaging: Very stupid. It looks like a rejected design for the cover art of A-ha's "Take On Me." If I were you, I'd keep this out of your sex partner's eyeline, because they might genuinely think you stole it from your parents.Serving suggestion: Obviously, for making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape.Rating: 4/10. The cling film thing ruined it for me.
CANDY CANE
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Rating: 8/10. Tasty, classy, tingly.
SALTED CARAMEL
PASSIONFRUIT
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Packaging: This is made by the same company as the Piña Colada lube, so its packaging is almost identical. And yet, somehow… it's less offensive. I think because it's hot pink. It looks trapped-in-the-80s in a cute, gaudy way. Not a sad, my-band-did-not-end-up-changing-the-face-of-music-so-I-make-my-kids-busk-in-the-cbd-instead way.Serving suggestion: This is for festival sex. It really is destined to be used in a tent.Rating: 7/10. Because passionfruit UDLs are, in a word, bellissima.