Advice For My Muggers

Dear The Pack of Teens Who Jumped Me,

Nice one, guys. You really cleaned my clock something good. And my wallet. Thorough job all around in the cleaning department. I don’t want to diminish the sense of accomplishment/paper plate of wings you are probably enjoying right now but I’ve put together some notes on a few areas that I felt could use improvement.

It sort of goes without saying that I have never robbed, but as an occasional passive participant in the practice and prototypical mugger’s wet dream, I probably have a good deal more mugging experience under my belt than your consecutive 12-13 years. In any case, take this advice at your discretion.

Try asking?
Obviously you’re going to have your own style, and the benefits of running up and punching a guy in the back of the head before he or the guy walking with him are aware of what’s going on are pretty self-apparent. This is basically the same MO the Army employed going into Iraq. It’s surprising, to-the-point, and it instantly lets all parties involved know exactly what is going on (a crime) without room for misinterpretation. Another thing it is is funny, at least to you guys, and anyone who happens to see the CCTV footage of it.

Here’s the thing though–maybe the punching isn’t necessary. I realize that probably sounds like the being-punched talking, but consider the basic facts of this transaction: There are six of you and about 130 pounds of me. I realize you don’t get too many of us down in Bed-Stuy, but I am what is referred to as a “nerd.” Time was you would have had to learn a bunch of different fashion cues and band names to tell apart the muggable white kids (ravers, goths, grindcore fans) from the ones you didn’t want to mess with (ginos, jocks, metalheads, some punks), but with the increasing monoculture creeping down from North Brooklyn it’s safe to say that anybody who doesn’t look like they spend three hours a day at the gym picturing their father’s face is basically a nerd. And we are going to go down extremely easy. I know that doesn’t seem like the greatest incentive not to coldcock a person, but bearing this mutual knowledge in mind imagine how eager we’re going to be for viable alternatives.

And even if I was to lose all sense of my abilities and try to fight you, just look at my wrists. The ones with the 6-inch circumference. Now try picturing a sparrow kicking out the windshield of a Crown Vic. That’s how likely I am to do anything approaching lasting damage in the course of retaliation.

Again, far be it from me to tell you guys what works in the field, but just consider the potential pros of the ask-first method: Saved strength and unbruised fists for future muggings, no battery/manslaughter charges, and minimal risk of fluid exchange/bloodstains on sneakers. Pretty good spread, right? And even if they/me say no or pretend not to hear you, you can just go back to the punch plan. You may have lost the element of surprise, but odds are you’ve picked up the element of momentary terror. Win-win.

Take it slower

OK, you’ve got me on the ground and just regaining consciousness. That growing dark patch on my pants is the urine let loose by whoever’s kick connected with my kidney. That high-pitched baby sound is me trying to remember what words are. So, what’s the rush? Tell that one dude to stop yelling “Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go” and really think this through. You’ve already got my wallet in hand. Check that one off. Now what else are you missing? Eh? Think, something everyone’s got… Maybe a phone? Maybe in the other pocket? OHHHHHHHH, right. See? See how easy it is to miss basic stuff when you don’t take a minute to breathe and assess the situation. If I were you, I’d let Let’s Go know he’s on probation until he can chill his ass down.

Trim the fat
Actually, you know what? What’s Let’s Go even doing in this crew? I know it feels good to “roll deep” with all your pals, but there comes a point when adding members to your mugging posse goes from shoring up confidence to a make-work project. Really, if you can’t manage a two-mugger-per-victim ratio (one on menace/beatdown, one on collection), you’re either mugging the wrong guys or shouldn’t be mugging in the first place.

SIX dudes on two white nerds? Aside from simple overkill, you’re eating into your earnings. What’s $20 divided by six, like three bucks and change? Congratulations, you just paid yourselves sub-minimum wage for potentially murdering me. That is the most literal example of chump change I can think of.

Drop the deadweight
On the subject, what the hell are you planning to do with my dental insurance card and gas receipts. Expense them? Oh, you don’t know. Then why’d you take them? There’s a reason experienced muggers do things like take the cash out of a wallet and hand it back to the muggee or throw it across the street, and it’s not to help with their Yelp rating. It’s to save themselves the trouble of dealing with a bunch of incriminating bullshit they have no use for.

The nerd I was walking with’s backpack was the biggest and most suspicious thing you guys took and did you even check its contents? I’m guessing not, because I don’t really peg you as the type of kids who cream their basketball shorts over fancy Japanese colored pencils and sketchbooks.

Kick harder
Great initiative getting a round of kicks going while the one kid was retrieving my wallet; terrible execution. When I came to, there were at least three of you working my lower half–I know this because right after realizing I was peeing, I felt three of you connect at the same time. But you know what I don’t see this morning? Three sets of bruises anywhere on my legs or crotch. In fact, the only mark I’ve got at all is a little dime-sized raspberry right above my left kidney from the piss-kick, which I’m now starting to think had a lot more to do with luck than street-savvy, especially in light of no one going for my well-exposed balls.

This kind of lackluster performance may pass for a “stomping” in Gary, Indiana, but remember, you are mugging people in New York. I know you’re just getting started, but you guys are going to have to hold yourselves to a much higher standard. You’re up against some of the best of all time.

–

Now I don’t want you thinking I’m just here to harsh on you, so here are three aspects of the other night’s robbery I think you guys really excelled at:

-Punching my glasses off: Effective, disorienting, and by all accounts looked amazing. Also saved me from having to blow a bunch of money on new lenses, which I somehow doubt was part of your intent, but cheers all the same.

-That kid on the bicycle who did a wheelie right before you punched me to either distract me momentarily or signal the attack: Cinematic. Was that dude part of you guys’ plan all along or just a coincidence? You know what, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know. If he was, excellent work; if not, I’d discreetly incorporate him and his bike into your repertoire a-s-a-p. He’s worth at least three Let’s Gos.

-Shitting where you eat: Classic example of “Rules are made to be broken.” When you guys took off in front of the cop car back into the projects, I was sure you’d just blown it. Ditto when two of the bystanders told us they knew exactly who you were and which buildings you lived in. But you know what they didn’t do when the cop car pulled up seconds later? Snitch. I wouldn’t make a regular habit of mugging people right across the street from your parent’s apartment, but you guys played the odds in this case and came away all the creddier for it.

–

Overall I’d say you guys did a pretty satisfactory job of robbing me and taking me and my friend’s belongings. What you lacked in thoroughness and stomping you made up for in speed and menace. I’m looking forward to seeing some great work from you in the coming years.

Thanks,
BABY BALLS