I Got Conned By The Black Keyser Soze
I was working at an art warehouse in Chelsea in like 1994. I was riding my bike home and it was snowing really hard. I got squeezed in between a car and a bus, and I ended up knocking the side-view mirror on the car pretty bad. It fell off and kind of hung there. I thought to myself, “That’s fucked up. I’ll stop and handle this the right way.” So I pulled over and the car pulled over and immediately this African lady, like a lady from an African country, jumps out and starts screaming at me in broken English. She’s just cussing and screaming like crazy. So I’m like, “OK, fuck this. I’m outta here.” I jumped on my bike and she jumped right on my back, still screaming the whole time. I kind of just stood up off my seat and leaned back, and she fell right on the ground.

Out of nowhere, I’m fucking surrounded by all these local guys—black guys—who just happened to be nearby. They really came out of nowhere. They’re all looking at me and there I am: This young white guy who just pushed an old African lady down in the snow. There’s this moment of slow motion, just looking around the circle of dudes and they’re all getting closer, kind of pulling up their pants, rolling up their sleeves, and going, “What the fuck, man?” I didn’t know what to do, and without even thinking about it I went into Crazy White Boy mode. I picked up my bike and started fucking slamming it up and down onto the ground screaming, “Fuck! FUUUUUUUCK!!” That made everyone pause for a second. All of a sudden this one dude runs into the middle of the group and goes, “Wait, wait—I saw the whole deal! This guy was being cool. He stopped and tried to talk to her and shit!” He calmed everybody down and they were all kind of stepping back as they started to understand what had happened. I mean, yeah, I did hit her mirror. But then I stopped and was fully ready to take responsibility, pay for it, all that stuff.

All presenter photos by Patrick O’Dell. Styling by Sara McCormack. Luis: Hugo Boss suit, Dee Cee shirt, Welsh MFG Co. glasses, Black Sheep and Prodigal Sons pin. Usual Suspects Riot Town
Knight Rider Back to the Future The Biggest Lie
Old Lady’s Car
120 Minutes Maced In The Porn Shop
That was some story, Charlie. You are one crazy guy. Oh man. True Crime is a great category because we all like it. From to to , you gringos are suckers for a good crime drama. Anyway, the winner for best True Crime story is… the Oriental guy!

WINNER: RIOT TOWN

LUIS

I’m from Ecuador.

When did you leave?

1999. I came to visit a few times before I decided to stay.

What did you do back home?

I was a technical professional in politics. I’m a business lawyer by education, so I worked as an analyst in several commissions. We worked on projects to improve the national economy.

And what do you do here?

I work in jewelry, as a middleman between the big companies and small local ones.

What do you think of the States?

It’s a great country. There are a lot of business opportunities and people have an open mind about everything. The education’s really good too. I want my sons to become professionals here. There’s so much corruption in Ecuador, even if you’re a professional you can never really make something of yourself.