Here’s Everything You Should Do Before Summer Ends

It seems like just yesterday you were huddled in bed binge-watching entire categories on Netflix, getting stoned alone and accidentally ashing on your duvet. To get yourself through it, you envisioned warmer days: a lithe, tanned version of yourself hitting the beach, camping, maybe blasting some Rick Ross on a yacht—as if you know anyone rich enough to own a yacht. And now summer’s nearly over and all you have to show for it is a beer belly and an all-clear at your STI check-up (because you didn’t even hook up with anyone). But don’t pack up your neon tank tops just yet. There’s still time. Dump a fifth of Glen’s vodka into a bottle of Coke and get ready to make the most of what’s left of the season.

HAVE A SUMMER FLING (OBVIOUSLY)
The fantasy: You meet a super hot stranger at a party, stay up all night alternating between talking and fucking, and somehow manage to have brunch in the morning without either person thinking the other is “too into it.” Repeat for the rest of the summer.

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Achievable dream: You use Tinder to bang someone who wears shoes you hate. You actually grow to like them anyway. They tell you they are “emotionally unavailable”. You pursue them for the rest of summer.

Worst case: Your social circle stays exactly the same and, wasted on a lethal cocktail of boredom and desperation, you bone your least-unattractive coworker. Weeks of awkwardness ensue. Don’t worry, we’ve all been there and it’ll pass.

SLEEP ON YOUR (OR LIKELY, SOMEONE ELSE’S) LAWN
Summer is the best, and safest time to pass out outdoors. Any other season and you’d risk either catching pneumonia or dying of hypothermia. My editor had a friend who always used to sleep outside in the summer, even though he totally had a nice house. When asked why he liked to sleep outside, the guy said: “I just like the way it feels.” What better reason is there to do something?

STOP SAVING, START TRAVELLING
“But it’s expensive” and you “don’t have time”, right? At this point, you should have a decent chunk of change saved up from your shitty job. If you stay in town, you’ll likely end up blowing it on pints at the local pub where nothing of interest ever happens ever. So GTFO. Watch a live sex show and feel gross about it later, go discount skydiving with an unlicensed company, try to speak a new language and piss all the locals off in the process. Travelling will give you perspective like nothing else can. And if you have to go alone, that’s even better. You’ll come back with enough “When I was in Thailand,” stories to bore your friends for at least a year.

ACTUALLY LISTEN TO MUSIC AT A FESTIVAL
For the bargain bin price of £300, you spent your first two summer festivals barely conscious, having tent sex with someone who hadn’t showered in days, buying cocaine mixed with self-raising flour off strangers, and becoming a pro at avoiding piles of MDMA-induced human faeces littering the grounds. This time around, maybe try listening to some actual music.

Show up super early and check out that little-loved indie band playing on the second (or better yet, third) stage and take notice of the strangers there with you. These are your people. Appreciate the audacity of a 68-year-old running around in leather pants during the inevitable headlining reunion set. Spend ten minutes in the pit. Save some of that beer money and splurge on a lobster roll at a food van. The festival experience is different and novel when you’re not borderline comatose.

PEE OUTSIDE
You’re at a beach barbecue, beer number three in hand, when the urge to take a leak strikes. Toilets are either absent or, if you’re like me, the mere sight of an outhouse makes you want to vomit and rip your skin off. That’s all good. There’s something invigorating and novel about pissing in the great outdoors; if nothing else, staring at a tree beats staring at tile. But there’s some basic etiquette to follow, namely, don’t pee on yourself and don’t pee on anyone else (without consent) also, always pee downhill. Take heed of the moment, and feel the perfect sound that is your urine hitting a pile of dried leaves. Avoid a playsuit.

RE-JOIN THE SPORTS TEAM YOU JOINED AT THE START OF SUMMER
In an effort to meet new people, you signed up to play on a five-aside football team during the summer – you know, a laid back sport where you can half-arse it until it’s time for post-game drinks. Then you showed up to a game, realised how insanely serious some people are about kicking a ball back and forth, and never came back. Now show up at the end of summer when the play-offs are on the line and ruin your team’s chances. Then drink to commiserate.

GAIN WEIGHT
Now that summer is coming to an end, you can stop obsessing about your body. Your hottest moments are long gone and, if you’re smart, already immortalised on Facebook. So let it all hang out. Load up on the grilled meat and beers. Tell yourself you’ll hit the gym so hard in the Autumn that people won’t recognise you. (You won’t.)

POST ONE GOOD NATURE INSTAGRAM
Remember when the internet wasn’t really a thing, and you ran around killing insects and eating dirt for fun? If you’re legitimately nostalgic for those days, take a camping trip with a couple of friends. Get rained on. Ponder over which mushrooms are edible. Remember how much tents suck because they get too cold at night and too hot during the day. Discover that you already know everything about your pals and literally have nothing left to say to each other. Do the mushrooms to fill the void. Regret doing the mushrooms. Do them again. Then take one sweet, “candid,” campfire shot and post to Instagram with the hashtag #unplugged or #nature or some other bullshit. After you die, you’ll only be remembered for the likes on your social media posts anyway.

ACTUALLY ENJOY A WEDDING, DON’T THINK ABOUT THE MONEY YOU SPENT
Once you hit your late twenties (or late teens in rural areas), summers = nonstop weddings. Without fail, some poor soulmates always choose to get hitched at the tail end of the season, when everyone is bitter about how much time/money they’ve already wasted on couples they don’t care about. Chill. Take advantage of the free booze, have sex with someone in the wedding party, embarrass yourself dancing to Backstreet Boys or whatever 90s shit the DJ starts playing once everyone is too drunk to pretend to be cool anymore. Maybe even be happy for them, if that’s your thing.

WASTE ENTIRE DAYS BITCHING ABOUT HOW SOON SUMMER WILL BE OVER
And then it will be, and you’ll be sorry.

Follow Manisha Krishnan on Twitter.