War protesters at Kent State University in 1970. Photo by John Filo.
Before we bust out the .50 caliber rifles and start shooting people from a mile away it’s important to know exactly who we’re talking about. Your parents, the baby boomers, are between 40 and 60 years old. They “stopped a war.” They “can’t remember the 60s” and they ruined everything for every generation to come. Though their politics were knee-jerk liberal 25 years ago, today they combine the worst of both parties. They pretend to be Democrats but secretly vote Republican at the last second so they don’t have to pay taxes on the incredible amount of income they’ve accrued doing nothing. Almost everything bad about today can be traced back to them. The lack of honesty in the media is from their old hippie propaganda. The incredible debt we’ve been burdened with is from their overspending.
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The endless warmongering of the neocons comes from the boomers’ old “save the world” dogma. Even the apocalyptic state of the environment comes from their inability to discuss overpopulation. And those songs! Can we not have to listen to Motown, the Beatles, or Hendrix ever again, please? It’s not enough we have to suffer through the shitpile of a planet they left us. Now we have to listen to the soundtrack of their wonder years while we do it. Oh, and here’s some more things we hate about the baby boomers…
THEY KEEP CALLING EVERYONE HITLER
George W. Bush is a fucking asshole but they need to get a little more creative than Hitler. If you’re going for hyperbole, Mao and Stalin slay that little fag. And why is everything from Mondays to cancelled Broadway shows compared to the Holocaust?
You even see our generation aping it by throwing the swastika on everyone from Israelis to the Islamic fundamentalists that hate them. From now on drawing devil horns and a Hitler moustache on a guy you don’t like is not considered “crushing your opponent,” and saying his argument “reminds you of the Holocaust” is officially “gay.”
THE ME GENERATION
Everything about this generation comes back to what Paul Begala called “the most self-centered, self-seeking, self-interested, self-absorbed, self-indulgent, self-aggrandizing generation in American history.” They are the “Me Generation” and everything about today’s self-obsessed modern culture comes from their megalomania. Like a spoiled toddler who wants you to look at his poo, boomers can’t wait to rub your face in their shit. This isn’t the way things used to be. As Tom Brokaw put it when discussing boomers and their parents, “The World War II generation did what was expected of them but they never talked about it. It was part of the Code. There’s no more telling metaphor than a guy in a football game who does what’s expected of him—makes an open-field tackle—then gets up and dances around. When Jerry Kramer threw the block that won the Ice Bowl in ’67, he just got up and walked off the field.”
Can you even imagine an Asian family adopting a black kid? It does not compute. Diversity is literally an urban myth. Tipper Gore preferred it when negroes sang about unrequited love. The be-all and end-all of why we hate the baby boomers is summed up in that fiasco they call The New York Times. We wish we wrote this book because it’s perfect.
THEY INVENTED “SELF”
The “Me Generation” is the complete opposite of the working-class-tough-as-nails-nose-to-the-grindstone-war-vet population that came before them. Back when your grandfather became a father there was no notion of “self.” He lived only for his offspring and his only concern was making sure they had a roof over their heads. Then the boomers came along and decided the whole world had to be devoted to their feelings. Next thing you know dads are going to therapy and crying in the mirror. Shit, they even go snowboarding now.
THEY MAKE IT PERSONAL
Have you ever argued with one of these fucking guys? They never read or do any research of their own (fiction is their bag when it comes to books) so when you argue with them all they can say about your research is, “I’ve never heard that. Where do you get your data from?” If you prove it they will say, “I can find just as many sources that say the opposite. Statistics are easily manipulated, you know,” or they’ll mention some stupid anecdote about a woman who gave birth at 80 years of age or a Zulu tribesman who solved a puzzle. Fuck off.
If they can’t get you with their dance-around-the-argument game, they’ll go after you personally. “Attack the person” is their argument trademark. When New York Post columnist Scott McConnell dared to ask America why we took over Puerto Rico, he lost his job and was confronted by an angry mob. He said he’d be happy to argue about it but the mob wanted to make fun of his hair and clothes. Eventually they realized he was kind of handsome after all and that was the end of that debate. “I felt like I was in some kind of surrealist movie,” he said of the experience. http://www.vdare.com/mcconnell/firing.htm
DIVERSITY IS OTHER PEOPLES’ STRENGTH
For people who bandy around the “racist” moniker so much they sure do live in some lily-white parts of town. (link to Bagge’s diversity comic). Sure Clinton likes to go to his office in Harlem with armed bodyguards to pick up his mail occasionally, but if you ever see a black person near his house in the posh white suburbs of Chappaqua, ring the alarm.
Yankees love to tell southerners how multicultural they are but the liberal Northeast has the highest level of racial segregation in America. The worst offenders are Detroit, Milwaukee, New York, Newark, and Chicago.
Boomers invented the suburbs to get away from black schools and they have entire gated communities that keep them away from anyone too ethnic but they can’t wait to criticize you for not being down with the brown. This hypocrisy is the second-worst thing about them after self-obsession. Malcolm X said he preferred rednecks to Yankees because southerners are honest about how they feel whereas northerners are “a wolf in sheep’s clothing” that merely pretends to care about blacks.
Let’s put it this way: if these people are so into diversity, why is barely 2 percent of America’s population half white? Oh, I know, because they’re lying. They pretend to love the idea of fucking outside of the box, but when it comes down to marriage and kids, it’s “whites only, please.”
THEY HATE RAP
Rappers talk about drugs without using “white rabbit” metaphors and talk about fucking without using Sam Cooke smoke and mirrors (meanwhile, he and Marvin Gaye were way bigger pussy hounds than 50 Cent will ever be) and the boomers simply ain’t havin’ it. If Tipper Gore had her way, every time a black person said something besides “yes ma’am,” they’d get no white chicks for a week.
THE NEW YORK TIMES
This “family paper” is just a bunch of sheltered, rich assholes living in the middle of nowhere and telling other sheltered, rich assholes what’s probably going on in the city. We’d get into it more but it’s all in Bill McGowan’s new book Gray Lady Down.
THEY ARE SO FUCKING SMUG
Baby boomers have been smothering themselves in themselves for so long it never occurred to them that A) they are wrong and B) we don’t like them. They are the kings of the universe and what they say goes. While the new working class gets pushed out of jobs by people that are willing to work for $2 an hour, you have anuses like Thomas Friedman responding with, “American workers need to pull up their socks.” What is his fucking problem? Why do these rich bastards pretend they like the poor as they squish them into the ground? Hey Tom, shipbuilding used to be Scotland’s biggest export but people in Bangladesh were willing to work all day for a free lunch so the industry went there. Are Scottish people lazy?
Apparently you have to be lying on the ground covered in sweat to be considered “salt of the earth.”
Vanity Fair’s August 2005 issue takes a huge shit on the chest of our generation. Peter Kuper having a nightmare about being photographed (from his graphic novel Stripped). Something’s Gotta Give is mom porn.
WHAT IS IT WITH THE KIDS TODAY?
Vanity Fair is having an essay contest sponsored by Montblanc pens called “What’s on the Minds of America’s Youth Today?” The subject is basically: Why do today’s kids only care about keggers? The kids of the 60s changed the world by buying weird pants and hanging out at a “happening”?
Apparently we have no subcultures of our own, no politics, no ethics, and, where they went to big parties, got high and fucked, all we ever do is go to big parties, get high, and fuck.
BIG BROTHER
Even though they don’t live anywhere near here, boomers hate that there are cameras on city streets and phone calls are occasionally recorded. Guess what, suburbanites, we like cameras on the street. That’s how we got Rudy Fleming. If someone wants to record my phone calls, go bananas. The only time I do anything illegal is when it’s in a bathroom or in my home and there’re no cameras there so fuck it. The rest of the time I want to be monitored. Go get on a plane where none of the passengers have gone through security if you hate surveillance so much. That plane would reek so bad from people shitting their pants in fear you’d have to jump out the window.
“Waaah, but they could be spying on you so they can market to you more specifically!” Good, I am sick of SUV ads. If someone wants to send me junk mail about a new Suicidal Tendencies box set, bring it on.
“Ooooh oooh, but what about George Orwell? What if they put microchips in our brains?” How about we cross that bridge when we come to it? There are 11 million illegals in this country. Two of the 9/11 terrorists were here on expired visas and five of them were already wanted in connection with other attacks. “Big Brother” is not exactly overexerting himself.
THEY HATE NUMBERS
“With just a dollar a day we can end poverty.” What? That is just as absurd as saying we can “end terror” or institute worldwide democracy. All this “save the world” shit started out as arrogant hippies who thought they had all the answers. Now it’s rich, corporate hippies that want to institute global monopolies. Same shit, different day.
Hey hippies, here’s some numbers:
• If you include prison, at least twice more men http://www.menweb.org/throop/abuse/usa-prison.html get raped than women.
• Today there are over seven times more slaves than ever before and the majority of them are women.
• There are 5 billion people in the world living in countries poorer than Mexico and that number adds 80 million to itself every year. They can’t be saved. Cut them loose.
• Until the boomers started getting real jobs, America had always run a trade surplus. Since they’ve been in the work force our trade deficit has grown to $600 billion dollars. Outsourcing is killing us and it’s your fault.
THEY ARE NOT ADULTS
My buddy Marco just proposed to his girlfriend, and when she told her pot-smoking, “want to be your pal” dad, he acted all weird, like he was selling out to the Man if he took it seriously. After thinking about it for a minute, he rolled his eyes and said all sarcastically, “So I guess I’m supposed to have ‘a talk’ with him now, aren’t I?” He even made quote fingers when he said “a talk.”
SOMETHING’S GOTTA GIVE
When you watch this movie you can’t help but think, “I bet this bitch has some rich Hollywood husband who paid for this because they both think she’s so special.” Then you go to imdb and you realize, “Holy shit, I’m right. They also did the movie Baby Boom together.” Something’s Gotta Give is nothing more than an autobiography about a middle-aged writer who is smart (why, because she writes plays about herself?), funny (she doesn’t say one funny thing the entire movie), and attractive (you’re 50 years old you, fucking cow!) so why does she not have men beating down her door? “I mean, Something’s Gotta Give right?” No. Nothing has to give, bitch. Old ladies are not supposed to be out there in the singles scene. Has it occurred to these people that the divorce experiment isn’t all it’s cracked up to be?
Eventually something does give and Keanu Reeves and Jack Nicholson stumble over each other trying to marry her. Yeah, right. Hey, can I make a movie where women masturbate thinking about my bag?
JACK NICHOLSON
Where Something’s Gotta Give sums up what the boomers think of themselves today, Five Easy Pieces shows us where they got it. This is the movie where Jack Nicholson is a cool working-class tough guy who’s secretly posh and can play piano real well. This is what they’re all about. Boomers are rich white college kids that hate rich white people and wish everyone was down with the oppressed. The really revealing thing about this movie is the tangent it goes off on following Nicholson’s libido. This is what they really care about—their genitals. Like all shameless and greedy idiots, the hero wants to fuck the pretty girl and ignores the fact that she’s his brother’s wife. She doesn’t seem to care either. They never do. Just like that other movie he did a year later with Art Garfunkel where they are both secretly fucking Candice Bergen. Shit, all boomer movies are about infidelity. Look at Woody Allen. It’s just a bunch of pathetic old pieces of shit intellectualizing the fact that they want to fuck everyone and can’t deal with the consequences.
DIVORCE
gone up HAIRY BUSHES
Hustler Playboy WOMEN’S LIBERATION
neglected nannies TWINS
twins POSTMODERN CRITICAL THEORY
The Sun Also Rises plummeted See Dan Clowes’s “Art School Confidential” for more on what the boomers have done to education.
Possibly even more out of touch than the . As with Live Aid, this frivolous gesture leads to piles of rotting food and slightly richer warlords. Boomers’ love of socialism begins and ends with their hatred of “Arch” (who, incidentally, was a mensch). ROLLING STONE
K.C. and the Sunshine Band WOODSTOCK
LIVE 8
MARX
equally EVERYTHING BREAKS
Cyber After you pay off your $35,000 in student loans you are going to need at least another $200,000 to buy a house. Funny, eh? Is it possible we could get some news about outsourcing or the lack of jobs or China’s military threat, please? Our ears and eyes work just fine. Che dead in Bolivia. Like Kaiser Wilhelm he “could not stand the idea that there was a quarrel in the world and he was not part of it.” Didn’t go so well for those guys. Let’s see what happens with Bush. TOP-HEAVY BUSINESS
STRUCTURES
THE WORKPLACE
NO FUTURE
t Nickel and Dimed DRUGS
Ritalin NEWSWEEK
Newsweek Health Care Matters Matlock THE SOLUTION
NAME CULTURE
Thanks Barbara, Now lets go to Mary Weatherspoon for the latest on today’s shithacking etc PETER JENNINGS
LOWER CASE HELVETICA
TATTOOS
PONTIFICATING
On Golden Pond RUDE PUNS
THEY DON’T DO ORAL SEX
C-SECTIONS
Logan’s Run THEY ARE CRYBABIES
Guns, Germs and Steel HOUSES
PACKAGE VACATIONS
CLASSIC ROCK
THEY’RE ALWAYS TRYING TO BE US
MARKETING
BILL CLINTON – THE FIRST BOOMER PRESIDENT
Charles Manson Jim Jones first Boomer president Rwanda chance shredded them THEY TRIED TO BRING COMMUNISM TO AMERICA
jeopardy toilet paper agricultural plan 60s and 70s MORE CLOGGING UP THE JOB MARKET
Time been pulled each retiree CLOGGING UP THE MUSIC BIZ
Two Against Nature Kid A Time out of Mind OK Computer 1998 THEY THINK TERRORISM IS SEXY
Capitol building Timothy Leary out of prison documentary They wanted action THEY STILL LOVE EASY RIDER
Dad balls THEY STILL SMOKE POT
marijuana use WOODSTOCK
causing mudslides DRAFT DODGERS
Mere
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