Sometime ago, Dutch artist Johan Kleinjan aka Jopie Stroop visited some of his artsy buddies in Tokyo. To be clear: this was before a shitload of greenish liquid from hell cut a swath through Japan. Apparently, living off the arts in the Far East is exceptionally hard these days. This is why one of Johan’s mates hustles some money by working in the porn industry. He’s been doing it for years now. This dude thought that it would be an excellent idea to write a porn flick about his Dutch friend. This wicked plan actually became reality. We asked Johan if he was interested in telling us all about the ins and outs – get it? – of his Japanese porn king adventure. He was. This is his story, accompanied by some pretty fantastic imagery.

My girlfriend had already travelled ahead of me. When she emailed me that that she had found some work for me in Japan, I was still in Russia with Antistrot [Johan’s artist collective, ed.]. I did not really ask her about the nature of the work. Once in Tokyo, it turned out to be about a porno movie. I thought it would be kind of cool actually; I would be able to go to places that foreigners normally don’t get to go to. Also, I could really use the Yens that I would be receiving in return for my efforts.

Once it became clear that the movie was really going to be produced, I had dinner with the porn chiefs and received my script. It was written in Japanese, so I still did not know what to expect. The film was going to be shot in three days , in Nagoya, Japan’s fourth biggest city. During the ride over there I was first told about the contents of the script. It was about a Dutch director – that would be me – who lost his inspiration and went to Japan in order to make a movie.

Since I’m Dutch, I would of course be living in a mill. There just so happened to be one located in a park there, so that was easy for them. According to the script I was tired of professional actresses and therefore decided to work with amateurs. I had to ask ‘random’ female passers-by if they wanted to be in my movie.

Whenever someone said yes, I would bring my conquest to some sort of sexual interpretation of Center Parcs. I had already heard of the Japanese love hotels from the picture above, but I was not aware that there is a whole range of parks in which the Japanese can temporarily go wild.

You can discretely rent the park cabins with your credit card.

Judging by the amount of covered number plates this park was mainly occupied by notorious cheaters.

This is me carrying a girl I picked up to the scene of disaster.

In the cabin I had to give the potential ‘amateur actresses’ some acting lessons. After I finished, I would tell her that there was also going to be a sex scene in the film. She then had to try out the scene with one of my assistants. This would take place in the bedroom. The nervous girl had to sit on the bed and my assistant would grope and undress her. The girl would be scared, but still oblige. The Japanese simply love these semi-rape scenarios.

Right, after that it was time for some good old penetration and my sly assistant would pretend to be shooting his cum inside the girl. Of course, this was not the way things were supposed to go, so I would play the part of the angry director and send the girl home with a morning after pill.

Assistant number one was a pretty tragic porn dude, but number two was Nobita, a much more ferocious type. Nobita was especially turned on by my photo camera.

Nobita is dubbed Nobita because he looks like the guy from Doraemon. Apparently he’s a Japanese porn god who plays in lots of movies. To me he seemed more like a comedian. He told me that he was actually a homosexual and he could not stop talking about his love for “hard anal”. Nobita was also especially interested in me.

Nobita furthermore had a considerable Asics fetish; if it were up to him, he would be walking around in this brand’s tight sport outfits all day long.

Even after a harsh sex scene he knew where to find the lens. I shot the picture above after the last take. Unlike before, the actress became absolutely pissed about the assistant’s fake ejaculation. She hit him and started pouring tea on his body. They did not tell me about any of this, so when Nobita was lying imploringly before me, covered in sweat and lube, it was hard not to burst into laughter. Instead I had to act up as the angry director and try to produce lines like “You fucked up my movie, idiot!” and stuff.

Nobita also collects shady magazines, by the way. The first half is filled with high-tech spying gear and the other features the naked girls that you can observe with it.

On the set there was an assistant who had to all sorts of chores. Here, he is mixing the fake sperm that was to drip out of the girls.

The girls who were in the movie mainly seemed to be involved in order to be able to buy a new Fendi bag. Japanese chicks are pretty prudish and after the wedding sex often gets out of the picture. Judging by the popularity of the love hotels, however, the girls all cheat.

They also like to act pitiful and submissive; a quality that regularly surfaced during the shooting. This was probably this actress’ first time. She is trying to gain some Dutch courage here.

Unfortunately she chocked while giving head. The director was hitting the bed vehemently, because time is money.

After we shot the movie, we had dinner with the crew.

The actresses did not join us; they only came to do their scenes and left directly afterwards.

The working hours were crazy, so after the shootings most actors looked pretty much beat. I also noticed that some people became rather jaded by the sequence of long days dominated by non-stop porn. Ito, the camera guy, was acting weird towards girls on the street and the director started complaining about his wife: “She won’t put it in her mouth… never… ”

After three days of top-notch entertainment I was done. The film came out on DVD, but only God – that privileged man – knows when I will be receiving a copy by e-mail.

JOHAN KLEINJAN