A Couples Expert On How to Learn New Relationship Habits

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As much as you don’t want to believe the self-help gurus who interrupt your TikTok doom-scroll, one thing they hawk is true; habits make up the sum of our lives.

What we eat, how often we exercise, the way we work. Being a human is made up of the habits we’ve adopted over time thanks to our environment and childhood. And those bastards are notoriously hard to break.

But, just like we all adopted the habit of drinking coffee to feel subhuman or burning our retinas with our phones first thing in the morning, we can also pick up habits in our relationships – both positive and negative.

VICE spoke to counsellor Laressa Donaldson to learn how to recognise good relationship habits and find ways to break-up with the poor ones.

Poor relationship habits

According to Donaldson, poor relationship habits are those that work against the relationship and erode trust, confidence and self-respect. This might look like dishonesty via lying to your partner, omitting important information from them and, obviously, cheating.

As well as dishonesty, there’s also a big difference between giving your partner feedback and criticising them.

“Every relationship requires straight-up conversations, however, it’s all about the way in which we deliver our messages,” says Donaldson.

“If we get into the habit of nitpicking or putting our partner down, it can erode their self-worth, and make them feel like they can’t do a damn thing right.”

Plus, if your partner irritates you to the point that you criticise them negatively, they probably aren’t the person for you.

“Nothing kills the mojo faster than feeling like you have a partner you can never please,” says Donaldson.

Other poor relationship habits include: talking negatively about your partner behind their back, stone-walling or “punishing” them through giving them the silent treatment, and communicating abrasively such as using sarcasm, yelling, condescension and belittling.

“All of these habits are damaging to a dynamic,” says Donaldson. “And if we don’t set high standards for ourselves in the way we communicate, they can rapidly become the norm.”

It’s also important to remember that if you ever feel unsafe (or that the poor relationship habits are turning into abusive patterns) to get help and preferably, get out.

How to fix them

The good news is that, like any habit, we can create new ones.

The first habit Donaldson recommends is to make the time to chat with your partner about your core values, plus anything that’s come up for you during the week.

“It’s unfair to expect others to know our needs without being explicit. Practice stating your needs and asking your partner about theirs.”

Another way to develop new relationship habits is to habit-stack them. For example, if you regularly go for a walk on a Sunday morning with your partner, use that time to check in with one another on how you’re doing and what you could work on in the relationship.

“Plan activities every week that are fun and have a positive effect on your relationship. Often we get bogged down with work and other responsibilities and forget that having fun is integral to life satisfaction,” says Donaldson.

“It means you can stay connected and it’s not extra effort to make time to talk about what matters.”

If there are patterns of poor habits and a shared willingness to reflect on the relationship values, Donaldson recommends engaging in couples counselling.

But, if you no longer enjoy being in your partner’s company, are scared of them, feel you’re walking on eggshells, or even just want a change, it’s a good idea to end the relationship.

“Enjoy your own space, stay in touch with friends and community and don’t lose yourself in a relationship.”

This article was created in partnership with the Ministry for Social Development as part of its Love Better campaign.

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