Could Solo Polyamory Be for You?

You’ve likely heard of polyamory, where people consensually date multiple romantic partners rather than being exclusive with one person. But what about solo polyamory?

Solo polyamory is a growing relationship style that involves the same principles of polyamory—sans enmeshment. In other words, the person chooses to keep many parts of their life (like living arrangements, finances, etc.) separate from their partners’ lives.

You might be wondering…isn’t that basically just dating?

Well, no—though many people falsely label it as such.

Solo Polyamory Is Not the Same As Casual Dating

According to the polyamory subreddit’s “useful terms, acronyms, abbreviations,” someone who pursues solo polyamory is a “polyamorous person [who] prefers not to live with any romantic/sexual partners, doesn’t ascribe to the relationship escalator, and chooses not to enmesh their lives with anyone else, and intentionally chooses to not have a primary partner, often thinking of themselves as their own primary relationship.”

This type of polyamory “is often mistaken to mean only casual relationships, however, people who practice solo poly may have very deep and committed relationships that are simply less enmeshed than is conventionally expected.”

The OP stressed that solo polyamory “does not mean dating solo nor does it mean living single until you find a nesting partner.”

The New York Times spoke with someone who decided to practice solo polyamory after going through countless life changes. James Nicholson, a 46-year-old Bronx resident, had previously followed a monogamous lifestyle. In fact, he was even married at one point. But after a divorce, another breakup, and the death of a loved one, he decided to focus on himself and his teenage daughter with zero intention of enmeshing his life with someone else’s. 

However, that doesn’t mean he can’t still experience romantic intimacy in other forms.

“I’m open to connecting with others, but it may not be just one other person,” he told The Times. “It is really based on how schedules line up.”

He also explained that he isn’t looking to escalate any of his relationships. Still, that doesn’t mean they aren’t deep and meaningful connections. 

Nicholson is a prime example of solo polyamory, or, as The Times defines it, ”having concurrent intimate relationships while maintaining independence.” 

“For the solo poly, the end goal is not an exclusive partnership, marriage, shared finances, or cohabitation,” the outlet reported.

While this isn’t necessarily a new dating style, the term has recently gained popularity. Many appreciate the label, as it helps them understand and communicate their relationship wants and needs to others.