CULL THE CUTE

The University of Victoria is fucking crawling with rabbits. Sure, it’s totally adorable for a few days, like it’s permanent Easter – but then you quickly get over it because they’re everywhere, all the time, destroying the grounds and shitting everywhere.

There are almost 2,000 rabbits on the campus right now and it’s only going to get worse. What’s more annoying is that most of the rabbits are former pets relinquished to the wild once their animal-loving owners realized that rabbits chew the shit out of their expensive purses and invaluable ankles. So rabbit lovers really only have themselves to blame. Unlike most of UVic’s student population, I went there to learn and not to find a million things to protest. I don’t know how many times I’ve walked through campus only to be assaulted by boring burnouts rasping into megaphones about saving a single tree, while guys in pajama pants play drums behind them.

The administration’s plan right now is a mass euthanasia of the rabbit population, but on an island where you can get organic tampons from any convenience store, petitions exist to promote a catch-and-neuter alternative. Sure, Long Beach City College in California did it…but they were dealing with a couple hundred. Try doing that with a couple of thousand. Besides, most of these fluffy little guys are going end up under the wheels of someone’s hybrid car anyway. It seems more human to kill them peacefully instead of leaving them twitching on the curb.

Here’s an idea: eat them. Legend has it that a few years ago, some guy from Alberta apparently fed twenty people roasted rabbit hunted from nearby campus lawns. Doing some fancy math, I figured out that if just one in ten students ate a single rabbit, UVic would be saved and hungry students would be fed. Besides, eating the rabbits keeps their deaths from being senseless and satisfies the popular “eat locally” philosophy that students are blagging on about. C’mon people, rabbits are just lagomorphs, and you know what they say, “lagomorphs are just rodents who’s balls are in front of their penises.”

And while everyone cries about saving the bunnies, there are homeless addicts everywhere in downtown Victoria that no one gives a shit about. That’s probably because they smell like pee and leave needles everywhere. But if homeless people were all super hot maybe we’d call them “outdoor-sleepers” the same way activists call rabbits “bunnies,” and maybe we’d offer them food for a few seconds of tender vagabond cuddling. The city already pumps a ton of money into shelters to feed the homeless that could be used for treatment centers, which is probably what most of these addicts really need, so how about we stone two birds at once: feed the rabbits to the homeless people.