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Wellness Cubed Chicken Entrée in Morsels of Rich GravyPackaging: 3-ounce purple can with a yellow calm-faced sun graphic and lavender silhouette of a cat surrounded by hearts and circles. In the left-hand corner, a little ribbon-shaped icon quietly brags “Grain Free.”
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PetGuard Savory Seafood DinnerPackaging: There is a lot of text on this label. Other things I could’ve included between “PetGuard” and “Dinner”: Next to Nature, Natural Food for Your Cat, Chelated Minerals, Ester-C. This 5.5-ounce can features a boldly color-blocked placeless background against which a sedated-looking tabby cat gazes vaguely judgmentally at the space where my left hand comfortably holds the can.
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Natural Value Pâté Style Tuna & Chicken DinnerPackaging: The head of what I’m 96 percent sure is a photo and 4 percent sure is a cartoon of a highly rebloggable cat on amphetamines dominates the orange label of this can, which looks like it has been designed in Photoshop.Aroma: Considering its higher chicken content, oddly fishier than PetGuard.Texture: Soft and nutty, like whipped oatmeal. Easier swallowed than chewed. In addition to its livelier, medium-pink shade, Natural Value also contains more “surprise granules” than PetGuard (not as much as Fancy Feast, though).Flavor: Fishy but not salty, which is always a little weird. There are at least ten tastes hidden in this but my stomach is not strong enough nor is my brain quick enough to identify them. Natural Value tastes like a cloud of salmon skin that’s spent centuries churning through the water cycle and will someday materialize as a tree on a planet with less gravity than Earth.Beverage pairing: The sharp tartness of a chilled Pinot Grigio would slow down the flavor play of Natural Value and allow each of its layered tastes to have their spotlight on the tongue. If one desires a more casual “Natty Night,” an icy keg of Natural Ice or National Bohemian would surely please a crowd of even the most discriminating palates.Closing remarks: The additional bites necessary for me to provide closing remarks have been surpassed by my desire to only experience Natural Value and these other food products in one direction (downwards), as they were intended.Previously - New Ways to Have SexFollow Megan on Twitter @meganboyle
