Finding myself an intern. Update

So far my search for an intern has been extremely successful. Far more than I had predicted it would be, anyway, as I didn’t think anyone was actually dumb enough to volunteer for the position of changing my tampons/acting as my human bench, without any promise of pay or future gain. But apparently I was wrong. Looks like there are loads of sick idiots out there just begging for the opportunity to render their lives completely pointless. Lucky me.

I have narrowed it down to three applicants. They are as follows:

Erin, 19, York

What Erin has to say: I’m an alright person – like, I can do some really cool stuff. I think I have a really good singing voice so I could sooth you with it when you’re stressed and also I can bake nice cakes. I can also beat box and break dance really well. I can walk really fast for long periods of time. I’m available to start, like, whenever. I’m pretty cool. My fave TV show eva is ANTM. Tyra is my idol!!

Why I like her: I like that Erin managed to specify the fact that she is cool twice in just a short paragraph. Very impressive. We also have a lot in common, as we are both Tyra obsessives and are both really good at singing.

Why I don’t: Our similarities lead me to believe she could be too cool, thus overshadowing me.

Dan, 21, Essex

What Dan has to say: I couldn’t let the fantastic opportunity to be your bitch pass by without comment! Not only will I do all that shit you require from a voluntary slave/whore but I can also phone your frienemies with poor excuses why you can’t be bothered to hang out with them, and hold your hair out of your face as you puke up last night’s debauchery. Get back to me, we’ll meet up, you’ll fall a little in love with me but that’s alright, I’ll understand.

Why I like him: I like that Dan had the incentive to think up tasks he could potentially perform for me on top of those I mentioned in my ad, i.e. holding my hair out of my face when I’m barfing. I can’t believe I didn’t think of that myself. Silly me. I also like that he’s a boy and therefore has a cock.

Why I don’t: Will need to see full nude in order to decide.

Leanne, 19, London

What Leanne has to say: I might be slightly confused if this is a real ad for an internship and am slightly confused whether it is my low self esteem which is making me want to be a slave, but I’ll be a slave. I don’t have any idea how to apply or what you want to know. What should I tell you? I live in London, I was but am not a student now, and I’m in a shitty job which makes me what to die. Slavery seems like the better option.

Why I like her: I have respect for anyone with the balls to sign up for an unpaid job, despite the fact that they have no idea what it is, what it entails, or even how to apply. I also just generally have affection for people with low self esteem.

Why I don’t: She sounds like a cryer.

Decisions, decisions. Any thoughts/suggestions anyone has would be greatly appreciated.