How to Give Your Partner an ‘Intense’ Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day often packs heavy expectations. Cards, flowers, fancy dinners…these are just a few of the many celebratory items or events associated with this holiday.

And though the romantic day has many critics, like those deeming it a “Hallmark holiday” or claiming they don’t need a designated day to prove their love, I personally think, “What’s the harm?” It’s a cute concept and an excuse to celebrate love. 

I’ve dated the cynics who couldn’t be bothered to buy a simple card or even write a cute message on a sticky note. I’ve also dated the romantics who lined the floor with tea light candles and rose petals while preparing a luxurious meal for me.

And I, for one, love spoiling my people—friends, lovers, strangers even—with some extra attention and appreciation. A gift basket filled with their favorite items, home-baked desserts in the shape of hearts, a free coffee on me…whatever it might be, it’s the little things that count most.

Want to Have an ‘Intense’ Valentine’s Day? Give Your Partner the Gift of Uncertainty.

But where is the sweet spot when it comes to celebrating Valentine’s Day? According to Raj Persaud MD FRCPsych, it actually falls in the “bitter” territory.

“Expressions of love on Valentine’s Day are highly patterned and even predictable,” he wrote on Psychology Today.

“There is a branch of academic psychology, known as Emotional Intensity Theory, which contends this is the wrong approach if you really want to vividly intensify feelings of attraction between two people,” Persaud continued.

He also stated that, “Providing certainty as opposed to uncertainty may not be the best way of delivering relationship intensity.”

So… apparently, if you want to keep your lover hooked, you should make them feel insecure. Maybe my ex was smarter than I thought.

“This novel psychological perspective even suggests that the opposite policy works better than the chocolates-and-flowers slant so prevalent on Valentine’s Day,” Persaud said. “This theory finds, in various experiments, that if you impede the ability of a couple to be together emotionally or physically, or if you bring mild stress to bear on the relationship, you may in fact magnify the magnetism between two people.”

That sounds… toxic, no? 

Persaud added that “a certain amount of relationship insecurity or stress may enhance passion.” Of course, there needs to be a balance between too much doubt and uncertainty and too much security and comfortability in the relationship, he noted. 

Persaud even recommended sending yourself flowers from a “secret admirer” and allowing your partner to question who they’re from, planting that seed of doubt in their gut. That is, if you want to have an “intense” Valentine’s Day.

Personally, I’ve had enough intensity to last me a lifetime. All that’s ever brought me was heartbreak and a wavering sense of self-worth. 

I think I’ll choose peace—and perhaps some chocolates—this year.