If an Alligator Bites You, There’s a 96% Chance It’s Your Fault

If you’ve ever been bitten by an alligator, science has stated that it’s your fault. There’s a small chance that it wasn’t, but more likely than not, it’s because you fucked around with an alligator and found out.

According to a new study conducted by scientists at the University of Florida (the literal gators) and Centre College in Kentucky, the vast majority of alligator attacks in the U.S. are less a matter of mother nature going rogue and more about idiots getting exactly what they…well, maybe not deserved, but getting exactly what they should’ve expected when they messed with a gator.

It’s Your Fault If You Get Bit By an AlliGator, According to Science

Researchers analyzed 270 occurrences of gator bites stretching all the way back from 1734 up to 2021. They found that 96 percent of those encounters were sparked by what they call “risky human behaviors.” That’s a very diplomatic way of saying that people who play stupid games win stupid prizes.

The bites weren’t because these stealthy, cold-blooded assassins snuck up on unsuspecting humans and took a chunk out of them with their enormous, powerful prehistoric jaws. It’s usually because some idiot acknowledged and then ignored the warning sign about gators in the water and swam anyway.

It’s because some guy walked his dog near a canal that gators are known to hang out in. It’s because some guy dared a gator to bite him. And it did. And many other moments of stupidity you can find if you Google search news stories about gator bites.

Half of the incidents were categorized as “moderate risk,” which includes things like taking a refreshing dip in a known reptile rave pool. Meanwhile, attacks with no provocation were quite rare. When they happened, none were fatal.

Teshera got the idea from how snakes have been unfairly villainized for years. “I wondered if crocodilians had an unwarranted reputation for attacks the same way snakes do.” They do. Mission accomplished.  

Using data from the CrocBITE database, and unfortunately discontinued online database of reported crocodile and gator attacks on humans, the team found that gators aren’t naturally inclined to attack unless you’re practically begging for it.

So, the lesson to be learned here is that if you are in an area known for its gators, make the smart choice, which is and shall forever be to leave the gators the fuck alone.