Is Needing Alone Time a Relationship Red Flag?

Needing alone time in relationships is completely valid and healthy. In fact, constantly being with or relying on your partner to keep you company is a recipe for codependency, in my opinion.

But sometimes, voicing this desire can lead to hurt feelings, disconnect, or resentment—especially if partners have opposing or incompatible needs. 

I recently stumbled upon this story by People about a woman who was offended when her boyfriend asked for alone time.

Now, granted, the woman said she and her boyfriend rarely get time together to begin with. So, when he requested sleeping in a separate bed and quoted being a “loner” as the reason, it threw her off a bit. 

However, in his defense, she has a particularly small bed that barely fits two people, one of whom is a tall man.

Nevertheless, she felt hurt by his decision to sleep apart.

“I think he doesn’t love me as much as he says he does because surely he’d want to spend as much time with me as possible when staying over is rare?” she pondered on Mumsnet.

OP (original poster) received mixed responses. Some people labeled her as “clingy” and immature for her age, while others said she should take her boyfriend’s statement as a red flag for emotional unavailable. 

Gotta love the harsh and conflicting advice from internet dwellers.

Is alone time important in a relationship?

Alone time and separation are crucial in a healthy relationship.

On Reddit, one person asked: “Does anybody else think it’s normal to need some alone time even in a committed relationship?”

The responses were pretty much a unanimous yes.

“Normal, essential even,” one person wrote. “Very few people, if anyone, have the social energy to be around other people constantly, no matter who they are. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you merge into the same person—you will (and should) always have your own interests and hobbies, not all of which will be shared.”

Another wrote, “It is not just normal but vital to have alone time and time as an individual. Being around each other all the time breeds codependency. It’s important to have independence and time to recharge.”

This is especially important when you live together. Just because you’re sharing a home with someone doesn’t mean you should spend every moment together. You should still go out with friends separately, have different hobbies you can do in different places, etc.

One Redditor wrote, “I desperately need my own time alone. My husband does too. We have separate rooms filled with our own favorite things, and we stay out of our respective rooms. I’m thinking really hard about going on a road trip by myself just to get away. Alone time is absolutely necessary for us introverts, even from the ones we love the most.”

Creating alone time in relationships 

In my opinion, like most things in a relationship, this matter comes down to compatibility. If someone requires excessive amounts of space when their partner prefers quality time together, they’ll likely both need to sacrifice to make it work.

I’m a major introvert who loves my solitude. I often joke with my boyfriend and friends that I could go weeks without speaking to or seeing anyone.

However, when I’m in a relationship, I do like to merge parts of my life with the other person’s. There are plenty of ways to compromise and ensure both parties’ needs are met. For example, if I want to spend the night reading, I can do so in the same room as my partner while he watches his favorite show. 

That being said, at least in the early stages of a relationship, I prefer to spend a few nights a week alone doing my hobbies and one or two nights with friends as well. This creates the perfect balance. So long as I’m communicating with my partner throughout the week, we’re still connected—and have some space to miss each other.

But I’ve realized this often depends on the type of relationship I’m in. For example, I spent the same amount of time, perhaps even more time, with an ex than I do with my current partner. However, I felt far less connected to that ex throughout our relationship than I do in my current relationship.

I used to think I was needy for feeling so distant when my ex and I were apart, but I realized most of the time we spent together, he was either distracted or sleeping, exhausted from work. We barely ever went on dates, rarely had deep conversations, and spent most of our free time with his friends.

When we were apart, we’d send surface-level check-in texts throughout the day, but there was no real effort to connect.

I wasn’t wrong for needing more, and he wasn’t wrong for not being able to give me more. We were simply incompatible.

It’s more about the quality of time you share, as well as the communication and security when you’re apart, than the amount of time you spend together.

That being said, if you can’t have alone time in your relationship, or you feel hurt by your partner’s request for it, there’s likely some sort of underlying issue that needs addressing. Time apart should not feel like a disconnect.