I Tried to Orgasm Using Only My Mind

Modern life has brought us endless conveniences: streaming services, piping hot Chinese food at the tap of a screen, apps that allow you to look after puppies for the weekend… 

But as the greedy little zillennial I am, I want more! For example, I want to be able to cum on demand already. Obviously shagging or wanking can be the best thing in the world, but it also takes time and effort that could otherwise be utilised into online queuing for Blink 182/The Weeknd/Peter Kay tickets. Wouldn't life be easier if we could just… think our way to an orgasm? Using only our mind? 

Apparently, such a thing does actually exist. The practice of mind-influenced orgasms has “roots in thousands of years of Taoist and Tantric practices” and is still a highly popular exercise among plenty of fetish communities. The idea is simple enough: Using non-physical stimuli like breathing exercises, hypnosis or meditation to get your rocks off. 

But is it true? And is it really that easy? If it was, wouldn’t we all be erotically hypnotising ourselves to orgasm? There was only one way to find out – by casting all my aspersions about hippies and exercise to one side and giving it a go. 

Worst case scenario, no cumming. Best case scenario, loads of cumming. Either way isn’t the end of the world – just the potential start of a new sexual life. Here’s what happened when I tried to orgasm using only my mind.

This is exactly what it sounds like – using the ancient art of hypnosis to give yourself a cheeky little orgasm. While it may seem bizarre, turns out the erotic hypnosis community isn’t a minor one. It has its own subreddit with over 109,000 members, where people make specific requests related to their kinks, detail their experiences and discuss their favourite parts of erotic hypnosis. So there must be something to it, right?

Some people do erotic hypnosis in person, with a licensed hypnotist (yes, such a thing exists). Or you can just try it yourself – like I did – using an audio recording through your headphones. Ultimately, the goal is to fall deep into your subconscious enough that you can trick your physical self into feeling sensations that aren’t actually happening to you. If hypnosis can truly cure you of a smoking addiction, why wouldn’t it also be able to make you squirt?

As someone sceptical of hypnosis in general, let alone the erotic kind, I was really surprised to find that the hypnosis audio did actually lull me into a very relaxed state of mind. I was sucked into my brain while my body lay still and even though I could feel myself drooling a little bit, I didn’t really care. The soft tones repeating that I was falling deeper into my subconscious worked. But then it started to get weird. 

The voice gets horny. Instructing, rather than suggesting, that certain parts of my undercarriage are feeling different ways. The voice also encourages my clit to remember previous stimulation and feel it now. 

Try as I might, however, my body couldn’t commit. Maybe my cynicism was lowkey cum-blocking me. Or maybe I'd just rather feel amped up while getting my rocks off, which is the opposite of the quasi-comatose state this hypnosis put me in. That said, according to Redditors, finding the pleasure sensation within the hypnotic state is especially hard and can take months of practice. So, er, maybe next time. 

On its surface, “orgasmic breathing” already sounds like the most bull. As a woman who is frequently out of breath, I would know already if heavy panting led to flooding my basement, right?

Most of my research into breathwork during cumming recommends doing so alongside physical stimulation (focusing on deep breaths rather than shallow breaths can bring on a harder orgasm, apparently). That said, plenty of guides online claim that hands-free orgasmic breathing is indeed possible if you simply take those Tantric techniques and apply them to yourself without touch.

After reading up, I attempted the breath-focused orgasm by rocking my hips back and forth and clenching my pelvic muscles, while deep breathing into my nose and out of my mouth. Spoiler: I didn’t jizz. But I got close! Then again, I think this was more down to angling my hips and squeezing my thighs than any kind of breathwork. Does that count as using only my mind? Probably not. 

That would be because orgasmic breathing is, apparently, a finish line that few cross – to do so, you actually have to be at “pro level”, whatever that means.

That said, I do think calmer inhalations and bringing yourself fully into the moment can level up your sex and masturbation life. I stand by the power of deep breathing – just maybe not hands-free deep breathing if you want to actually cum.

This one is a bit more complex than the others. “Coregasms” might sound like some new age fitness influencer bullshit, but the term was actually coined in 1953 by sexologist Alfred Kinsey. The theory is this: The endorphins from exercise along with some additional pelvic floor exercises can lead to an orgasm. It all sounds a bit gym girly influencer to moi, but ever the trier, I gave it a go anyway. For the sake of the general population, I opted to avoid the gym and take on an exercise video – this one by Cher is a firm favourite and thanks to Cher’s shaggability, it would hopefully help with the process – at home while conducting this experiment.

The most common exercises recommended for “coregasms” include abdominal exercises and weightlifting, both of which I made sure to implement in my routine. By doing kegel workouts alongside these routines, everything was in place for me to achieve that elusive coregasm. But shocker, I never got one.

Coregasms were my least excitable of all the attempts for this feature, to the surprise of literally nobody who knows me. Far from being an athlete, the workout left me genuinely exhausted and whatever the opposite of horny is. But if you’re a Sporty Spice, get off on sweat or find Davina McCall especially seductive though, this one might be worth a whack.

If you’ve ever smoked weed with a dedicated stoner, you probably already know what lucid dreaming is. If not, a quick explainer: Lucid dreaming is basically when you are aware that you are dreaming, and are therefore able to manipulate your surroundings and do whatever you like. Kind of like you're the director of a film that's happening in your sleep. Those who are able to lucid dream can “live out” their fantasies – and induce lucid cummies, which are apparently relatively common.

This option seemed like the most viable in my endeavours, seeing as sex dreams and even wet dreams have been a regular staple during my snoozes. Being able to harness the power of that for myself seemed like, well, a dream!

Unfortunately, this was a no-go for me too. Lucid dreaming is notoriously elusive, and can take tons of practice if it doesn't come naturally. And even if you can lucid dream, shagging in your subconscious is still difficult! To try and lucid dream, I followed this method of waking up during my slumber, focusing hard on what I had dreamt previously and trying to tell myself that when I sleep again, I will remember I am dreaming. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out that way and I just fell back to sleep as usual.

After my week of mind-over-matter orgasm attempts, the only one that challenged my ability to fuck with my psyche was the hypnosis one and even that had the opposite effect than intended - big fat chills over big fat cums.

That said, it’s kind of hard to stay cynical about whether these hands-free orgasms could be achieved following loads of time and effort. It’s just a shame that I’m a lazy bastard and would rather the quick fix of a Rampant Rabbit over months of learning how to lucid dream.

@Ginatonic