I know what you’re thinking right now. You’re thinking: “wait a minute, I thought this lady was a lesbian!!” Surprise! I am. But I also totally want to make the angelic beast with two backs with Sufjan Stevens. Isn’t life complicated? Really though, it’s OK because I’m pretty sure that Sufjan Stevens is a lesbian too.

Rumors I’ve heard about Sufjan Stevens include the fact that he’s gay (I don’t believe this) and that he’s married to some lady with whom he’s fathered two kids. I also refuse to believe the latter because that would then mean that he’s not available to marry ME, and if it’s one thing I know, it’s that he and I are meant to be together forever. People, in general, seem to be very divided on the subject of Sufjan Stevens. It seems that either people can’t help but love him, or emphatically hate him, and will look for every opportunity to tell you so, and why. I got in a fight with two different boys on Facebook just last week because out of nowhere they both posted some random “I hate Sufjan Stevens” shit. I defended Sufjan’s good name by telling these people that I’d wrestle to the ground anyone who spoke or typed ill of him. This just got them more riled up and they tried really hard to make jokes with some limp tie-in to the Chronicles of Narnia films. Another thing I’ve learned in life, aside from the fact that Sufjan Stevens is a hot piece of man ass, is that people, as a rule, are really stupid and not funny, especially when they’re trying to be funny. It’s like, “Oh look, it’s trying to think.”

The number one argument people like to make against Sufjan Stevens is that he’s a God-fearing Christian. Well, that’s fine with me because I’ll let you in on a little secret that maybe you don’t already know: Sex with religious people is the sweatiest, dirtiest, most inventive, and disgustingly awesome sex a person could ever hope to have. One of my first girlfriends in high school was a Mormon girl and to this day, if I sit real still and close my eyes, I can get a perfect visual of her crumpled over my teenage bed, taking every last inch of a silver dildo into her butt. Sure, maybe not the most advanced thing a person in their mid-30s could do, but to see that happen at 14 was quite something. Trust me when I say you haven’t lived until you’ve been made to get naked, kneel in the corner, and read passages from the Bible by candlelight while someone carves up your back with a crucifix. Testify!

I think it’s safe to say that every person who identifies as homo entertains sexual thoughts about members of the opposite sex. You know that saying: “When God closes a door, he opens a window? “ I’d like to amend that to say: “when God closes a door, you’ve got to find a fun way to pry it back open.” Meaning, allowing yourself to be all “whatevs” about your sexuality is really fun. It is kind of funny to me though that since I am primarily attracted to women, the men I find myself being attracted to are either very MANLY (farmers, mechanics, skateboarders, greasy spoon cooks) or very SAFE looking. All through my formative years I was insanely obsessed with Kirk Cameron – subconsciously because I knew I’d never have to actually touch him, and also because he looked like I could easily take him in a fist fight if I had to. Oh shit! I just realized that Kirk Cameron is super religious too. Maybe I just need therapy? I like to tell people that I’m saving my virginity (this is funny) for Sufjan Stevens, and now that I’m moving back to Brooklyn, maybe my dreams will come true. I picture our first exchange going something like this:

Me: Oh, hey, Sufjan Stevens, weird to run into you at the bookstore like this. What are you buying there? A Bible? That’s cool. Wanna fuck?
Sufjan Stevens: Yes.

KELLY MCCLURE

Previously: Lily Tomlin