One of my major pukey pet peeves in life is when people latch on to popular TV shows and develop crushes on the “obvious” character. By “obvious” I mean the character who is designed strictly to be the character that everyone masturbates to, and is spoon-fed to watchers as such. The biggest example I can think of right now to highlight this (other than the one I’m about to talk about) is Shane from the L Word.

When that show was hot shit—and I mean with normal people, because let’s get real, dykes still talk about it every day—the question “who’s your favorite character?” would come up all over the place: dinner parties, high school reunions, job interviews, etc. People constantly tried to know which fictional lesbian I wanted to bone. I would always answer with the honest, yet unpopular Jenny, because God knows I love a crazy brunette. And then I would wait for the opportunity to make loud vomit noises and dramatic eye rolls when everyone else under the sun would answer “Shane.” Really??? Way to go for the obvious, boring choice. But I get it now because after becoming obsessed with Friday Night Lights late in the game via Netflix Instant, I want to create endless Texas memories with Tim Riggins. Although I have to say that there’s still a bit of mystery and intrigue attached to this crush since no one I know in real life has ever seen this show, and has no idea what I’m talking about when I bring it up.

I know Taylor Kitsch, the actor who plays good ol’ #33, from back when we were both taking improv classes in Canada. We weren’t suuuuuuper close friends, but close enough to where we had inside jokes and stuff, which is the most important part of friendship anyway. When he moved to NYC to pursue his acting career, and go after leading man type crap, I helped him prepare for the audition that would end up landing him his biggest role to date in the feature length film, Snakes on a Plane. While running lines, Tim Riggins would joke with me saying, “I’ve got your snake on a plane right here,” and then grab his jock strap. I’d be like “that doesn’t even make sense. And why are you wearing a jock strap?” It wasn’t long after that he landed his now FAMOUS famous role on Friday Night Lights. Once he started filming the show, TR and I grew apart and I felt like maybe he was becoming an asshole or something. Until one night he surprised me with a knock on my apartment door. I’d placed an order for a chicken biscuit delivery from Pies N Thighs. So when I heard the knock, my mouth started watering like a farty dog, imagining the succulent chicken breast and honey glazed biscuits that would be filling it soon. I was momentarily disappointed to find that the person on the other side of my door did not in fact have some chicken for me, but a pretty sizable boner, barely concealed underneath a pair of white football pants. I didn’t get to enjoy any Pies N Thighs that night, but I did get a mouth full of honey glazed biscuits, let me tell you. LOL LOL LOL LOL.

While TR and I were rolling around on my living room floor, I began to feel weirded out because I’m a gay lady and he’s a television star/friend, and these sorts of romantic combos don’t usually end well. In the heat of the moment, while being shown what a half back tail back quarter liner (I have no idea) can do once they’re all warmed up and stretched out, I smoothed TR’s long man-lady hair away from his ear and whispered, “Tim Riggins, I don’t think we should be doing this. You’re only gonna fall in love with me and then I’ll feel bad when I have to be stern and tell you to peace out because I only have room in my heart for vaginas.” He got puppy dog eyes for a second while thinking about this, and said “no worries.” “EWWWWWW, Tim Riggins!” I shot back in disgust. “Only douche bags say ‘no worries.’” “Okay then,” he stammered. “No regrets.” Then we took turns pouring ice cold beers into each other’s buttholes. It’s a night I’ll never forget.

@WolfieVibes

Previously – Carrie Brownstein