Spaceghostpurrp‘s performance of “Suck a Dick for 2011” during A$AP Rocky’s set at our thing in Dumbo this weekend was a revelatory moment for me. “Suck a Dick”  sends a message that we can all relate to—black, white, gay, straight, guy, or gal—good dick sucking is what the the US needs right now. Like our crumbling infrastructure and dismal economy, the dick sucking going down in these United States has been subpar as of late. Improving our nation’s blowjobs is essential, but, as my girlfriend likes to remind me, it’s important not to leave the ladies out. So, as the 99 percent move forward with their fight for the right felatio, I want to start the call to lick a clit for 2012.

Here are five reasons why you should up your vagina intake next year:

1.You’re lazy. 
The more clit you lick, the less thrusting you have to do later. Sometimes making her toes curl is harder than it sounds. If you want to ease up on all those pelvic thrusts, try getting her motor running with a little licking. Then shove that monkey in there to top it off like a cherry on the crest of a milkshake made of stretchy skin, sweat, and vagina juices. 

2. It’s funky.
People always talk about how much pussy stinks. That is nonsense. Pussy smells great. The scent alone is enough to get me harder than times in ’29. I’m like Pavlov’s dog, only instead of a ringing bell, smelly vagina makes my mouth water.

3. Tastes Good.
It’s a myth that pussy tastes bad. Everybody likes a little chin butter. What’s bad is when there is no taste at all.  I love food with a kick. Spicy burritos? Don’t mind if I do. Salty peanuts? I can’t stop at just one. And tangy pussy? Well, I just want to drown in that tangy mix of her own organic secret sauce.

4. Orgasms are healthy.
My mom once told me that back in the 50s, boys used to tell girls if they didn’t put out they would acquire an acute medical condition that would result in permanent insanity. Those cats were smart as shit. The best lies always have a kernel of truth. We all need to cum. It’s in our DNA. That’s why your ten-year-old brother humps the family sofa so much the outline of his pecker is permanently imprinted on the cushions. It’s important to make the ladies cum or they might start a real occupy movement—occupying that pussy with other weiners.

5. It’s home.
We all come from pussy, so you look like an idiot when you act like you’re too good to lick it. People who don’t eat pussy are the same people who don’t eat pizza with their hands. I pity the fool eating a jumbo slice with a knife and fork. Real men and women use their hands to eat pizza and their tongues to lick pussy.

You need to pick a side, because in 2012 the battle lines are being drawn. Either you lick puss, or you’re against us.