No matter what Natural Harvest, a new book of semen-based recipes, tries to tell you, a cock is not a feeding tube. No comment on author Fotie Photenhauer’s claim that “Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic,” because regardless, at one tablespoon a shot, there’s no way you can even make a meal out of one load. And we’re assuming jizz shelf life isn’t very long. Puts a whole ‘nother meaning on the term “dick cheese.”

If you read the reviews (and you should, because they’re equal parts hilarious and disgusting), you’ll find all sorts of gee-whiz exclamations about the wholesome and sensible practice of noshing on splooge. “When I was in college, my roomate [sic] used to jizz in the ice cube trays. I thought it was the foulest thing I had ever seen–until he made me a white russian ‘on the rocks’ on night. All I can say is wow, man-goo is for me!”

Or this one, which makes an appeal to our newly tightened budgets: “In hard economic times, everyone is looking to cut down the cost of groceries, so eating my own ejaculate certainly helps. To think, I’ve been wasting good food in tissues and toilet paper for 20+ years.” Wait, “wasting good food in tissues and toilet paper?” What’s next, a cookbook using snot and shit as the main ingredients?

It’d be one thing if this weirdo just came out and said he liked to slurp his own jizz, but to pretend like this is Stalingrad and all that’s left to eat is bootstrap leather and dick fluid is just wrong. This whole thing is most likely a joke–every single review sounds like it’s written by the same person–but in the off chance it’s one shameless perv grossing us all out, all we have to say is thanks for ruining lunch.