My former title was “Reviews Editor,” so people would constantly email me in an attempt to get me to sample and write about their weird products. One lady wanted to mail me this stuffed animal that sang songs that supposedly help your self-esteem, and I was like, “What are you trying to say?” Now that I go by the way more legit title of “Music Editor,” I mostly get emails from bands trying to tongue kiss me, but crap “for review” still arrives in the mail from time to time. A month ago FedEx brought me a package from ONE Condoms. Inside were two tubes filled with 12 condoms each that I do not need because I eat vagina.

The condoms are two new varieties that ONE is launching: Mixed Pleasures and Tantric Pleasures. I asked my girlfriend what she thought could possibly make a condom “tantric” and she said, “Making direct eye contact while fucking with it on, and already having tickets to Burning Man.” I think she’s right. As far as Mixed Pleasures goes, I guess it implies that you will put it on a penis and have just a so-so time? Like, your pleasure will be equal parts yay and gross? Seems honest.

Never mind. I just opened up the USB keychain that was included in the package and it turns out we were both wrong. The Tantric Pleasures condom turns your dink into a rocket-shaped tribal tattoo, and the Mixed Pleasures variety produces something called “Flavor Waves.” Straight people, what’s wrong with you?

@wolfievibes