Nobody Knows Where This Field of Genetically Modified Wheat Came From

I hope you’re sitting down. If you have any bread in the house, just throw it away now. Better yet, bury it.

ABC News is reporting that 22 “herbicide-resistant wheat plants” were recently discovered in an unplanted field on a farmer’s land in Washington state.

Take a minute to calm down.

Here’s what we know. Genetically modified wheat, like the plants found in Washington, is not approved for “sale or consumption” in the United States, and who planted the outlaw wheat remains a total mystery.

While our histrionics earlier were mostly sarcastic—sorry to burst your bubble, science-fearing hippies—the “freak wheat” really could have serious ramifications. If GMO products enter US food exports and are discovered by the recipient country, all hell could break loose.

That’s what happened in 2013 when another batch of renegade GM wheat was discovered in Oregon. Multiple Asian countries briefly halted importing US wheat out of fear that the new modified foodstuffs would enter their markets and… we don’t know… eradicate blindness? Give us all webbed feet? Better safe than sorry, we guess.

If you are an Asian agriculture official reading this, don’t panic. It seems clear that the modified wheat hasn’t spread outside of that one unplanted field, and just to be sure, the US Agriculture Department is testing the poor farmer’s entire crop.

The real question is, who is this rebel Johnny GM-Wheat-Seed roaming the Pacific Northwest? And how can he be stopped?