God still hates fags?

Everyone remembers the Westboro Baptists, right? Louis Theroux went to hang out with them while they picketed funerals with their fruity signage and snappy placards a while back.Big whoop.What has been bizarrely overlooked here in the UK is that the Phelps family and their cohorts were due to pay our isle a little visit at the end of last month to protest against a play. In Basingstoke.

The Home Office spoilt the planned party by refusing the Baptists entry after they posted this little missive on their website, godhatesgags.com: “God hates England; your Queen is a whore. Some of the best Bible preaching in the history of the world came out of that dark dismal land, but now it is full of all abominations. God will shortly destroy the UK and the world, but not until they have got the plain, clear message so that they will be without excuse.” Right.

We popped down to the planned demonstration site on the night to see if any of Basingstoke’s homophobic community would feel inspired enough by the Westboro Baptists’ message to picket. If anything, the people who did show up were a whole heap creepier than the Baptists. It was a little like being in a joint Hollyoaks/Twin Peaks convention. There was a guy there dressed as a priest, claiming to be a vicar, but insisting the Bible should be taken with a pinch of salt. Later on he played “Careless Whisper” on a trumpet. Shortly prior to this, a spotty, verminous student with a pair of fake breasts was giving him some sort of lapdance.

Downtrodden but not dispirited, we decided to get in touch with Shirley Phelps-Roper (daughter of Church founding father Fred Phelps) herself to find out just what she really thought of Britain’s guys who like guys. Our initial e-mail was returned with a keen reply and signed off with: “I just returned from Los Angeles – we had to picket the Oscars and I had my nice Heath in Hell sign!”

After some to-ing and fro-ing, Shirley came up with the following:

Vice: How come you never made it over here to the UK in the end?
Shirley Phelps-Roper: We were threatened with arrest and deportment so why would we waste our time? Further, once your God-hating Home Hag announced the ban, it caused our message to circle the globe! Yay! We must thank her.

Right. What is the worst sin a man can commit?
How about you think in terms of what you can do that is the best thing each day? How can you serve God in truth today? Your sin will land you in Hell. However, since you ask, I guess I should point out the sin against the Holy Ghost. That is big – it will not be forgiven you in this life or in the life to come. So if it crosses your mind to call the Church of the Lord Jesus Christ a work of Satan, don’t do that. Bad idea.

I’ll avoid it. How did you first hear about the play in Basingstoke?
Someone wrote to our web page and told us about it.

Do you have a UK branch or many supporters here?
No, the Church of the Lord Jesus Christ is local, visible and self-governing. This is not about supporting us. It is about your own never-dying soul. I guess your question would be better put: does anyone in the UK support themselves? And sadly, the answer would be no. You dummies are stomping along and heading straight to a hell, which will last for ever and ever – never ending torment. The worm dieth not and the fire is never quenched and the smoke of your torment ascends up for ever!

Wow! What do you think will happen on 12/12/2012, aka Doomsday?
I think this generation is in for a huge surprise. You have the word of God – and it is by that word that you know within you that we are in the last days of all. So again, just like as if you had a big stick in your hand you are poking God right in the eye. You do not look to the rock from whence you were hewn. You do not look to the fountain of living waters. You do not search out the original source material, the word of God, you look to the man. Nostra-dumb-dumb! He has the breath of life in him, and God held that breath of life and God kills and God makes alive. So you seek after the words of a dolt, a brute. Here is what God says about your 12/12/12, check it out now:

Matthew 25:13 – “Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh.”

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, understanding and knowledge. Get that! Hold that fast with both hands! Yikes!

Er, okay. Do you have a message for our readers?
Yes. Knowing these are the last days of all, you therefore know that the Lord will not appear till that Man of Sin is revealed – that Son of Perdition, called The Beast and also called Antichrist. With the revelation of The Beast Obama now seated in the most powerful office in this entire world, the time is so short! The Lord is coming and this generation is doomed! So here is what I would implore each and every, all and singular of this generation: put away your idols, whereby you provoke your God to jealousy. Put away your false gods. The glory of your God smacking weather patterns to your false goddess Mother Nature, giving the glory of God to another and bring great wrath upon yourselves and put away your filthy manner of life. Shut your mouths, get a bible, crack it – read the words and obey your God! Do that like your never-dying soul depends upon it – because it does!

Thanks, Shirley. I’ll sleep well tonight!