Remember when The Brit Awards weren’t just an excuse that the entire music industry made up in order to get drunk on someone else’s credit card and end the night in the hotel room of a semi-famous pop star? No? Me neither, but that’s a good thing. All of our favourite Brit moments have been born out of debauchery. You’d have to be at least five Long Island Ice Tea’s deep to even consider pairing The Klaxons and Rihanna. Here’s some of our other favourites:
KYLIE DOES A MASH UP OF “BLUE MONDAY” AND “CAN’T GET YOU OUT OF MY HEAD”
Videos by VICE
Despite being flanked by two giant roll-on deodorants, Kylie manages to give the wipe-clean sex sounds of “Blue Monday” even more loin, making you want to do unspeakable things with a laminator whilst atop a stainless steel surface.
RONNIE WOOD TRYING TO CHIRPSE THORA BIRCH
Ronnie Wood’s attempts at trying to hit on American Beauty star Thora Birch, who is at least 30 years younger, are made all the more entertaining by the stage invader, Ronnie throwing a drink over someone, and then standing on the stage looking confused.
Look at this face though, she’s definitely having a great time.
DESTINY’S CHILD PERFORMING “INDEPENDENT WOMAN” WITH FIRE RINGS
You know you’ve made it when you are given free rein to block all emergency exits with flames that are on fire and commission Rumpelsiltskin to make jay cloths into costumes.
CAT DEELEY RIDING IN ON A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE
We will not forget.
50 CENT HAVING A MOCK POLICE INTERROGATION BEFORE “IN DA CLUB”
A long time ago, before he wrote the 50th Law, a book which interweaved his life story with parables of Socrates and Dostoyevsky, 50 Cent took some stimulus from Crime and Punishment for his Brit Awards performance. Kerry Katona is interrupted by a video of a mock detention and interrogation by a policeman who appears to have learnt the tricks of his trade from Mr Plod off of Noddy. Fiddy then runs to the stage, managing to evade helicopter searchlights but not realising that he’s spilt Petit Filous all over his trousers. One of G Unit seems to be Craig David. Then your mind is allowed to gently flutter to the memory of In Da Club soundtracking your first dry hump during the Year 9 French Exchange.
B*WITCHED AND BILLIE PIPER AND STEPS AND CLEOPATRA AND TINA COUSINS DOING ABBA!
No one had invented props in 1999 so the crispy haired Steps boys were told they could use two chairs from the conference room as long as they put them back straight afterwards. Only two, though mind. Who the fuck is Tina Cousins?
WHITNEY HOUSTON PERFORMING “IT’S NOT RIGHT BUT IT’S OKAY”
This is even better than toast. Seeing as it took place in the same ceremony as the Steps Abba medley I have searched the breadth of our island in vain for a photo of the screwface Whitney must have pulled whilst watching H straddle a chair.
THE TIME THAT ALI G AND SHAGGY PERFORMED “ME JULIE”
Back in 2002, some clever marketing executive decided that it would be a good idea to get living caricatures Shaggy and Ali G on a track together and get them to perform it at The Brits, AKA really great moment for television and a bad moment for both careers. Unfortunately, because this glorious performance exists in an era when every televised moment wasn’t uploaded to YouTube hundreds of times, made into GIFs, and re-blogged over every single website, no footage exists. But if you use your mind, like old people have to, then you’ll remember.
KANYE DOING “GOLD DIGGER”, THE SONG HE NOW HATES
AMY WINEHOUSE AND MARK RONSON
A few years after Amy Winehouse threw some form of spherical fruit at her Best Female Artist adversary Dido’s album poster shouting “I HATE YOU DIDO” Amy got super famous and Dido Florian Cloud de Bounevialle O’Malley Armstrong was still called that. In this rendition of Valerie, Amy minces around on her vertiginous toenails so endearingly that you can almost ignore Mark Ronson using one of those two necked guitars that are smugger than dolphins.
OASIS SINGING BLUR’S “PARKLIFE”
Say what you like about the Gallagher brothers being a bunch of pricks who just happened to make the best music since The Beatles, but at least they know how to have a laugh unlike every other dickhead that has ever tried to dress like John Lennon working as a bin man.
AND A FEW YEARS LATER WHEN HE ASKS THE TV PRESENTERS WHERE HE CAN FIND ALL THE CLASS A’S
THE GOLDEN PARTNERSHIP OF RI-RI AND KLAXONS
Remember that bucolic time before triangles became so overexposed that an Essex school had to ban triangular flapjacks? Rihanna still had sleeves and Klaxons sound like they’re apologising for wearing womb lining as fringing.
AND THE PRE-SHOW INTERVIEW WITH NOISEY’S VERY OWN KIM TAYLOR BENNETT
Noisey: “Rihanna, it’s a really bizarre union”
James: “Oh, chill out”
“Is she going to be bursting out of…”
“She’s going to be coming out a pyramid dressed in lasers. She’s a human being. She’s not cool, she’s sound”.
And with that short conversation comes the strongest indicator of how we should have expected the Greatest Brit Performance in history to turn out.
DIZZEE RASCAL WITH HARPS
Have you ever found yourself sitting down, listening to some grime and thinking, damn son, this really needs some harp and a mildly interesting ginger on backing vocals? Clearly you haven’t, because only one person in the world has ever done that and it’s whatever money-grabbing bastard designed this exit-door for Bow’s superstar. Big love to Dizzee though, he’s still our boy. We’re just mad that he’s living in Los Angeles and no longer making music that helps us see the light at the end of the N8 bus. We’re music fans, of course we’re going to be selfish.
KLF AND SIMPLY RED SHARE THE AWARD FOR BEST BRITISH BAND
More
From VICE
-
Photo: dbvirago / Getty Images -
Credit: DuckDuckGo -
Photo: Oleg Breslavtsev / Getty Images -
Photo: HEX / Getty Images
