REVERSE PRODUCT PLACEMENT

r adically wholesome progressive defenders of individual freedom and family unity COCA-COLA Where? Pearl Harbour Harbor The details: Viewer reaction: MERLOT

Where? In Sideways, the film that inspired a million stupid discussions in the wine section of the off-license. The details: Paul Giamatti’s character (the one who looks like a tumor), a big wine buff, lets it be known that when it comes to grape varieties, Merlot is definitely not what you want: The one who looks like a distant drunken memory of Kurt Russell: If they want to drink Merlot, we’re drinking Merlot. Tumor: No, if anyone orders Merlot, I’m leaving. I am NOT drinking any fucking Merlot! Sideways was a big bourgeois hit and, as a result, sales of Merlot noticeably dropped. Mark Oldman, writer of Oldman’s Guide to Outsmarting Wine (fuck you wine, you idiot! I foxed you good!), said: “Merlot is definitely in the doghouse when it comes to desired varietals — a victim of the ‘Sideways‘ effect”. Viewer reaction: God, why did I ever want to drink Merlot when Pinot Noir is so much classier? I hate myself so much. AMERICAN AIRLINESWhere? Up in the Air, starring George Clooney, the Rolls Royce of actors (Kevin Spacey is the American Airlines of actors). The details: Much of the film takes place in airports and American Airlines is the iron-bird of choice. The problem is that Clooney’s character’s obsession with travel and brands is meant to highlight the shallow nature of his existence, so the airline ends up being associated with the corporate-backed erosion of American society. Viewer reaction: Hey, it’s still Clooney! That guy’s cool whoever he’s meant to be pretending to be, so book me an AA flight right now. And hurry up with my Nespresso. MERCEDESWhere? Feel good Oscar-winning child-poverty smash Slumdog Millionaire. The details: Mercedes backed the film but were unwilling to let their cars be seen in any slum situations, lest their name be sullied by association (guessing they didn’t make it very far past the title of the script). This meant that the film had to spend thousands of pounds of Mercedes money removing Mercedes logos in post-production. The German car giant was still more than happy to have gangsters driving their cars. God gangsters are cool. Viewer reaction: Thank god these dirty streets aren’t affecting my car-purchase decision making. CELADORWhere? Feel good Oscar-winning torture-and-prostitution smash, Slumdog Millionaire. The details: Production company Celador, which makes Who Wants to be a Millionaire, allowed the scenes where the protagonist is tortured and accused of cheating on the show so long as they were carried out by the host and not a member of the production staff. Nevertheless, they torture a teenage boy with a heart of gold. Viewer reaction: Who Wants to be a Millionaire is clearly made by psychos. URUGUAYAN AIR FORCEWhere? Alive: the 1993 film based on Piers Paul Read’s book about the survivors of the Uruguayan Air Force flight 571, which crashed in the Andes in 1972. The details: The survivors of the crash end up eating each other to survive. The plane’s logo is clearly shown in the opening scenes. Viewer reaction: You can’t help feeling that, the less you have to do with the Uruguayan air force and their planes, the less you’ll have to do with eating members of your own family and rugby team. OSCAR RICKETT