Sexpose! Swingers
RelishXXX.com
Dir: Hazza B’Gunne
Rating: 10

I apologize for name-dropping but Bruce Dickinson of Iron Maiden once told me how in the band’s heyday they’d have these really polite, gentlemanly gang-bangs where they’d all be in a hotel room, naked, with a girl. While one or two got their shag on, the others would sit quietly in armchairs, feet up on ottomans, reading the paper. I told you they were all naked, right? OK. That is wrong on so many levels, but mostly because you know the ink from newspapers rubs off on your fingers when you’re reading. The thought of Bruce having the football score smeared across his shaft while getting a blow job seemed funny to me at first, for like, half a second, but then I had to tell him, “Bruce, that’s not how I roll.” He had no idea what that meant. So there I was trying to explain hip-hop slang to an over-the-hill, balding, cock-rock front man. And look, I dropped out of college. I’m not that smart, but I would think that the way I said, “That’s not how I roll,” coupled with the look on my face and the moment at which I said it, would make the meaning (i.e. I’m not particularly keen on the manner in which you and your cohorts conduct yourselves, and personally I would not be in such a situation) abundantly clear. Granted, he’s from another country and they speak a different language there, but some things are just universal, don’t you think? Right then I realized why rappers probably don’t excel in higher education unless they have magic pot like in How High. It’s almost as if their unique language is a disability (Dear Thug Rappers, I did not just call you retarded. Please don’t shoot me. I’m trying to be apathetic here). Did you know that Jon Caramanica, the guy who writes Vice‘s hip-hop column, has a degree in rap (despite being white)? He totally does. I think he should start an official rap college to give rappers a chance to learn despite their disabilities. I’d like to take Home Ec. with Raekwon. (Do they have Home Ec. in college?) At the very least, someone should do a sitcom along the lines of Welcome Back Kotter but with rappers who go to college. I’d do it if I wasn’t so lazy, and I’d call it Rap Guys Go To College or Crazy Rap College. God, those two names suck. I can’t believe I just suggested either of them. Crap! Wait—that’s what we’ll call it! C.Rap. It stands for College Rap. Or not. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. The point of telling you about Bruce Dickinson’s exploits and picking this DVD to review in the first place was to stress that I would not make a good swinger nor would I be comfortable attending a swinger party. Recently I was in Philly with my girlfriend and we were hanging out with her friend and her friend’s boyfriend. The two girls started making out and things were naturally progressing and although I am not into any other man seeing my girl naked, I could see she was having a good time and I wasn’t going to stop her from getting her rocks off. But then the girl’s boyfriend suggests, “Hey, let’s go up to the bedroom, I got a camera.” That’s when I pulled the E-brake. I wanted to smack him in the head. “What are you? An asshole? You just fucked up. You couldn’t have just let things take their course? You had to get psyched and start thinking about all your band buddies who you’d email photos of my girlfriend to. You suck.”

Chloe’s Pool Party
Vivid.com
Dir: Bo Edwards
Rating: 1

Now I’m all fucked up. This review was going to be about how my older brother used to have pool parties in high school with tons of drunk sluts who wanted to touch my parts because they thought I was cute and innocent. I was going to tell you how he and his buddies once carried my mattress out of the house as I slept, setting it on the edge of the pool deck, so that I’d roll over into the water and almost drown, but I’m all fired up now over the I-GOT-A-CAMERA kid. He fucked up a perfectly good opportunity for me to see my girl eat some pussy and I’m pissed. It’s not like she eats pussy 24/7 and seeing her jam her tongue in some girl’s snatch is passé. She NEVER eats pussy! And this kid blew it! (Oh, I neglected to mention that just 20 minutes before all this took place he was telling me about all these amateur websites he loves where people post photos of their naked girlfriends.) I wanted to smash his glasses. Or better yet, go up to the bedroom in a single file with him at the end of the line and then lock him out. Instead we just up and left. What would you have done? Let him take photos? Fuck you. You’re full of shit. You would not. You’d call it quits too. I know how self-conscious you are. You’re a dork. That’s why you’re reading Vice, desperately hoping that somewhere in these pages you’ll come across some insight on how to be cool. Well, sorry to ruin your “PARTY” but no one at Vice is cool. They’re all dorks. I’m a dork too. We’re all trying to mask our social inadequacies with mirrored sunglasses, clever hats, and zany T-shirts with messages like “Hula for Hunger” and “Fuck Atkins! Eat a Carb, Bitch!” screened on them. But it’s all a façade! We suck! And everybody hates us. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I apologize for all that. I’m just angry. I didn’t mean any of that. I just want to see my girl with a girl. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you and I apologize again. That was wrong of me and I take it all back. You ARE cool. Totally cool. Awesome, in fact. The truth is everyone is jocking you. People should buckle their seatbelts if they are going to ride your nuts that hard. Does that make you feel better? Can we still be friends? I lose control sometimes, that’s what my therapist says, and I just lash out. Please don’t take it personally. It’s just, you know, I-I don’t know. Whatever. Just forget it. I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later.

CHRIS NIERATKO