Stop Giving Your Partner the Silent Treatment—Here’s Why

We’ve all either done or experienced it: the dreaded silent treatment.

There is nothing that frustrates me more than someone intentionally ignoring another person as a form of punishment. Especially in the context of romantic relationships, this argumentative tactic can cause some serious damage.

However, sometimes, those using the silent treatment are unaware of the negative impacts it can have on the other person and the relationship. Most—but not all—don’t ignore the other person to hurt them, but rather as a form of avoidance. They don’t want to face the discomfort of addressing an issue or communicating with their partner during a challenging time.

Still, the damage is often the same.

Why you should avoid the silent treatment

According to Amelia Kelley, PhD, psychologist and author of Gaslighting Recovery for Women, the silent treatment is often used as a manipulation tactic. She told SELF that it can be a form of passive, emotional abuse, as communication is crucial to solving conflict and maintaining a connection.

“Essentially, the silent treatment is a type of neglect,” Dr. Kelley told SELF. “By acting as if someone isn’t there, you’re almost dehumanizing or not even recognizing that this person exists.”

In a Psychology Today article on the topic, Bernard Golden, Ph.D., also detailed the many negative effects of giving someone the silent treatment.

“Being human, we crave connections that offer us support, care, and recognition,” he wrote. “Especially in an intimate relationship, we expect a partner to be there for us in ways that help meet these needs. Silent treatment fails to satisfy these longings and also reflects withholding and emotional abandonment. It is a cutting form of passive aggression.”

He added that this behavior can trigger anxiety, anger, fear, sadness, and a lack of emotional safety within the relationship. It’s much different than taking a breather before continuing a heated conversation. Rather, it’s typically a prolonged and deliberate form of neglect that often makes the other person feel rejected, abandoned, and distressed.

“It can also lead the target of such treatment to feel self-doubt and self-blame, which fuel negative self-criticism,” Golden wrote. “Additionally, those targeted by silent treatment may become obsessed in their thinking about what they need to do in order to end the silence.”

How to handle the silent treatment

In my experience, if someone is giving you the silent treatment, they’re likely battling their own internal conflict. Of course, this does not excuse their behavior, nor does it stand for every instance. Someone who is truly trying to hurt or manipulate you will probably not respond well to your empathy. 

But in those other cases, it can help to acknowledge the other person’s feelings and respond from a loving place. While it might be tempting to fly off the handle when someone is quite literally acting like you don’t exist, try to self-regulate your emotions before reacting. 

Being on the receiving end of a silent treatment can spike anyone’s cortisol. Even the calmest partners might feel set off by their partner ignoring them. However, you cannot control anyone but yourself. All you can do is communicate your feelings while attempting to understand and validate your partner’s. If they continue to ignore you, decide whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who can completely disregard your needs and attempts to connect.