The Broadly Guide to Sexting

Ask him what he likes

Whether he’s a sub or a dom will establish your whole sexting relationship.

Bush

Trim it.

Cum

There’s nothing sexy about a happy trail covered in jizz, so always request a video of him coming. It’s always better to see a moving image of cream launching out of his wiener.

Dildos

Send 15-second videos of you fucking glass dildos.

Ellipses

Don’t use ellipses. Men are dumb. Complicated grammar confuses them.

Fingers

Don’t send pictures of you fingering yourself if you fucking bite your nails like an animal and you have ripped up cuticles. No one wants to see your little nubs. Have a decent manicure or keep your hands out of it, please.

Girth

Guys don’t want to be called fat, but they want you to think they have fat dicks. Always say, “You have a nice, big, fat dick. I want to suck it!”

Holie

A selfie of your asshole.

Imagination

Get creative.

Jacking Off

When taking a pic, remember, he will jack off to what you sent him.

Kardashian

Film it.

Lips

Fact: Lips are sexier than big boobs or a well-trimmed pussy, so tell him, “I wanna feel your lips all over my body!”.

Mommy

All guys want to fuck their moms, so tell him to call you mommy.

Nibble

Never tell a guy you want to nibble on his dick. That’s scary.

Orgasm

Tell him he made you scream.

Penis

Unless he’s submissive, don’t say, “Show me your little penis!” Dudes are simple, so keep it simple. Just say, “Show me your dick.” Be nice to the dick. Act like you want his weiner inside you.

Queers

They’re better at sex than straight people, so when you’re sexting try to embody a homosexual.

Republicans

When sexting a conservative, say, “I love saving money! I’m so fiscally responsible! It makes me so wet!” Then send him a pic of your clit.

Slut

Be a slut when you’re sexting otherwise it’s boring! You be sluttier than you are in real life.

Tits

They are important.

UTI?

Why are they important? Because when you’re sick with a UTI, you can hide your downstairs and show him your tits.

Vagina

Showing the inside of your vag is VERY important though. The pussy looks more attractive that way. You can take a vagina shot in a multitude of ways: You can either get in front of the mirror and take a pic of your pussy or you can use a front-facing camera and open yourself up to your iPhone. A guy can’t see the inside of your hoo-hah unless you hold it open with one hand.

Wet

Always tell the guy you’re wet even if you’re not.

Xylophone

Play it.

Yes

Almost always say yes. There’s a difference between sexting someone you will fuck and someone you will never meet, though, so if you’re in a situation where you’re 100 percent going to hook up, don’t say, “Oh, yes, fuck my ass!” if you don’t want his dick up your butt.

Zipper

Don’t get his dick or balls caught in a zipper. Be careful.