Now that Kim Jong-il has been re-elected and his son appointed a four-star general, it seems clear that Kim Jong-un will be filling his father’s weird and secretive shoes in the future. However, a number of lesser-known North Koreans were also in the running for the title of Glorious Leader. Here’s a few of the competitors who were hoping to clamber to ultimate totalitarian celebrity power in Big Brother’s first ever election (of sorts).
Kwan Il Nam
Age: 22
Job: Call center operator.
Hobbies: Socialism, gun-cleaning, marching.
Profile: Most likely to be the one who seems really stern at the start, but then everyone learns to love because he provides a sense of focus and emotional stability within the house.
He says: “The glorious revolution of the Korean People’s Republic will never be over.”
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Kim Kwan Lo
Age: 24
Profession: Aspiring actress.
Hobbies: Gymnastics, wearing khaki, waving flags.
Profile: The slutty one who gets booted out after getting the evil eye from all the other girls in week two.
She says: “People are obviously going to criticise me if I pose for The Dear Leader’s North Korean Daily Star; but I just want to earn enough to put my kids through internment camp.”
Ko Ko Nut
Age: 51
Profession: Bait-shop owner.
Hobbies: Talking loudly, smelling of cod, scaring small children
Profile: Grizzled old-timer who feels he’s owed respect he doesn’t receive from the younger participants. He’ll probably get the grumps with the rest of the housemates in week four before heading over the wall in week five on account of a seemingly never-ending row about the dishes that has long-since bored the nation senseless.
He says: “You kids know nothing about the sacrifices involved in a revolution. Did I ever tell you about the time Kim Il-sung burnt my house to the ground just for insufficiently grovelling?”
Lee Dung Dee and Lee Dung Dum
Age: Both 23.
Professions: Fairground operators.
Hobbies: Interrogation, propaganda, mass-burial.
Profile: The Twins, or “DeeDum” as they are collectively known in the house, are a fun, bubbly, air-headed duo from the secret police who will fill their fellow housemates with light and laughter in any situation.
They say: “Hey everybody we’ve got a question! Which one is better, the Dear Leader or the Great Leader?” “Hey guys, let’s play a game called Denounce the Traitor!”
Kim Jong-un
Age: 29
Hobbies: Being the son of Kim Jong-il, murdering peasants, water skiing, lording it over terrified subjects, rattling sabers at South Korea.
Profile: As the son of the Dear Leader and a four-star general, Kim Jong-un wants to make it known that he is in no way to be treated as a favorite in the house. Housemates will be free to drop to their knees whenever he walks into a room, and will be informally allowed to address him as “Exalted Leader.” Indeed, his father has decreed that the will of the Korean people should take its course during voting, and they are free to elect anyone they choose, simply by handing their unsealed voting slip to their regional Chief Of Secret Police. The show will then culminate in a nine-hour clapathon, during which Jong Un will be appointed as his Dad’s successor.
Kim Jong-nam
Age: 39
Hobbies: Being Kim Jong-il’s disappointing son, rollercoasters.
Profile: Seems to be out of the running ever since he was caught using a fake passport trying to get into Japan to visit the Tokyo Disneyland.
GAVIN HAYNES
For more on the PRNK, watch the on VBS.