Illustration by Asli Yazan
Astro Roast is a column in which astrologer Danny Larkin drags each sign, but affectionately!!Few signs are as epicurean and delightful as Taurus. Everyone loves them for this. (To wit, George Clooney, Audrey Hepburn, and Adele are all Tauruses.) On the flip side, those born under the sign of the bull can be unbearably stubborn—especially those of the male variety. Will Mark Zuckerberg figure out that the only way to save Facebook is to be more flexible? How hard that word is for Taurus!Taurus is an earth sign, and it’s ruled by love-and-money planet Venus. This gives those born under this sign an immense connection with sensuality and earthly pleasures. As such, they can be big lushes – sipping fancy cocktails, wearing gorgeous outfits, knowing the best chef in town. Their favorite drug is MDMA, because they’re constantly chasing ecstasy. Few people can luxuriate like Taurus! However, with such expensive tastes, it can be easy for them to rack up a high balance on their credit card or a debilitating hangover.Being an earth sign also helps Taurus stay grounded; however, there’s a risk of being a little too grounded here. At their worst, Taurus people can be immovable and stuck as a rock— taurus, after all, is Latin for bull. There is definitely a bit of the bull or cow in this sign: They love to hang out in a nice sunny meadow, grazing on flowers and grass and just enjoying life. Like a cow, a Taurus will refuse to move unless they really want to—good luck getting a bull to leave its preferred pasture, or a Taurus to get their ass off the couch if they’ve decided they want to stay in!Taurus season coincides with early spring in the Northern Hemisphere, spanning from about April 20 to May 21. Taurus people are like the tulips opening up in the middle of the season. (There, Taurus readers can now enjoy imagining themselves as graceful tulips instead of cows.) Most of us are too busy with our smartphones to bother with gardening, but it actually takes about five years for a tulip seed to grow a bulb big enough to flower. Once that bulb is set, it commits to blooming in the same spot year after year. Like tulips, Tauruses have an incredible staying power, with the potential for loyalty, commitment, and tenacity. But, again, there are some serious drawbacks lurking in the shadows: inflexibility, obstinacy, and rigidity.
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Being solid as a rock does have its perks at work; a Taurus person can easily reap rewards by sticking to projects, even when they become frustrating and time-consuming. However, people may roll their eyes at meetings when their Taurus coworker keeps stubbornly bringing up the same idea, week after week. It’s already been shot down, everyone wants to scream. Give it a rest already! Tauruses may also get shit from their bosses, since they insist on doing projects their particular Taurus way with no regard for how others want it done.If you have a Taurus colleague, don’t directly argue with them. Wine and dine them instead. Over the feast, explain to them gently that there’s a great way for them to save time at work, so they’ll have more time to enjoy the finer things in life. It will work wonders.In love, Tauruses can waste too much time trying to hit the reset button on fizzled romances. Those born under the sign of the bull tend to get fixated on reaching out to the same targets over and over again. It’s delusional. Somehow, Taurus thinks that if they just keep at it, their paramour will have a radical personality change and suddenly start to like them again. In truth, they’re just being annoying.Tauruses can give up on fashion when they discover they can’t afford designer outfits. Come on: Just go to Buffalo Exchange or another vintage shop a few times. With some tenacity, Venus will smile, and an amazing look will emerge. It’s the same with the fine dining and glamorous parties Taurus craves. Instead of going into debt at Michelin star restaurants, try reading the cheap eats section, and find that amazing chef who isn’t charging an arm and a leg. Or discover art event listings—get wasted for free an art opening with your friends. Taurus will be surprised how many hot, single, interesting catches are out there.Is it clichéd to remind Taurus that the best things in life are free? The beauty and ecstasy Taurus craves are well within reach. Why waste time being so stubborn at work, or trying to force a non-existent romance into being, when you could be having a blast with your friends and meet new lovers? So, Taurus, be the sophomore, the wise, pleasure-loving fool. Don’t get stuck and die on a hill no one else cares about.What's in the stars for you in April? Read your monthly horoscope here or your daily horoscope here.Want your daily horoscope sent straight to your inbox? Click here to sign up for the newsletter.In love, Tauruses can waste too much time trying to hit the reset button on fizzled romances. Those born under the sign of the bull tend to get fixated on reaching out to the same targets over and over again. It’s delusional.
