What Mums Eat

Happy Mother’s Day, Mum! [Note to American readers: no, it’s not your Mother’s Day, this one is for all the British mamas. You don’t need to make panicked Interflora orders until May. Chill.]

In celebration of the fact that your mother pushed your squealing infant self out of her uterus and provided a level of care adequate enough for you to be able to access the internet and make sense of this article, here is the definitive guide to what to feed your mother. This is what mums eat.

Videos by VICE

Mums love to eat as a family. Some mums are French and will refer to this as en famille. They may also make you eat snails.

Sometimes, mums cave to the incessant pestering of their offspring and order pizza, rather than making the wholesome pasta bake they wanted to have for tea tonight. But that’s OK, mums can enjoy pizza too!

Many mums are at the constant beck and call of their children. For this reason, they find it enjoyable to eat food alone. Especially when that food is bacon.

Mums have the power to deliver “death stares” when the behaviour of family members is both unexpected and disappointing. You may be on the receiving end of a “death stare” if you try take Mum’s plate before she has finished eating.

At the beach, mums will often be asked to hold their relatives’ respsective ice creams while they apply sun cream and the like. Be careful though, Mum may want to keep those treats for herself!

Mums like eating food on sticks. Some even wear special nail varnish for the occasion.

Mums are also big fans of cake. Bake your mum a cake today and if she really likes it, she might ask for the recipe to put in the special recipe scrapbook she keeps in the kitchen.

Mums don’t usually advocate dipping fingers into open containers of food because it can spread germs. But this is Summertime Mum and she’s wearing a straw hat! Anything goes!

Sometimes mums hang out with other mums and talk about mum things. Wine is almost always involved.

Being a new mum is very exhausting. During this period of a mum’s life, she may exist entirely on soggy cereal. This is OK. You are doing fine.

Many mums like to spend two weeks getting away from it all in Tenerife. They will order funny coloured drinks with Dad and try out a new lipstick they purchased in their “big holiday shop.”

Other mums enjoy spending their holidays eating fish and chips. Make sure you put some aloe vera on those shoulders later, Mum!

Will you mums just give it a rest with the food on sticks, already?!

When mums get a bit older, they enjoy indulgences they may not have allowed themselves in earlier life. We must not question what form these indulgences take.

Every once in awhile, mums like to branch out and do something crazy like buy a Kindle or order sushi. You go, Mum.

Park a mum in a deckchair on a warm evening with a plate of nibbles and she will be too content to remember to bug you about changing the desktop background on her computer.

Mum fashion is a complicated and highly specific combination of flattering horizontal stripes and comfortable shoes. Blouses and burritos must also always match.

Mums knew about side eye before emojis and Tyra Banks even existed.

When mums wear aprons, things are serious. This is written in the Universal Mum Code and a sign that you should probably leave the kitchen unless you’re going to do something useful.

Mums like to be spoon-fed sometimes. (Actually they don’t, but it’s a funny thing to try and do if you’re eating in a fancy restaurant and have been told to behave.)

Happy Mother’s Day, Mum!