There's a reason every lyricist and creepy guy in human history uses the phrase "I want to get to know you" as a euphemism for "I want to have sex with you". The way someone bonks can tell you more about them than hours of lukewarm dinner conversation, and although each person-person pairing provides its own unique story, there are a couple of steadfast rules.
Having said that, I appreciate that not every position means the same thing to every person. My own heteronormative experiences are bound to be different from LGBT+ lovers, or those from the BDSM community. But even within the world of straight sex, maybe there are women out there who feel like they can't emotionally connect with their partner on a deep and spiritual level unless they're on all fours, getting taken from behind.
So I didn't want to write about what your position predilections reveal without first enlisting three of my friends and three people I've had sex with (I'm not currently speaking to the other three) about their favourite sex position and what they thought it said about them. Still, this is far from an exhaustive guide, and my own experience is the basis.
Okay: let's get to it.
"Missionary. It's so comfortable. And intimate. Everyone wants to be comfortable" – Male, 26, gay
I love missionary myself because I'm incredibly lazy, and it's pretty hard for a man to be bad at it. People look down on missionary, but it really does the job: everything's sort of in the correct place and it doesn't require too much effort from either party, but it stimulates you inside and outside. There's something incredibly comforting about feeling the full weight of another person on you, sort of like a weighted anxiety blanket. The perfect all-rounder.
Snoop Dogg said it both first and best: "You don't love me / you just love my Doggystyle."
This is a sentiment all my ex-lovers can attest to. When asked his favourite position, my long-term fuck buddy (male, 26, straight) replied: "I like fucking you from behind because I can basically go for it, and it makes me feel like I can do anything. It's really wrong, but I just love the phrase 'smashing your back doors in', then actually doing it. Maybe I like it because I'm a man of my word?"
I think men love doggy because the butthole is exposed, which they like to look at and fantasise about as if it was the PornHub premium level. I love doggy because of the clitoral stimulation from the balls, the deep penetration, and because I know I look great with an arched back.
I'm not alone: my best friend (female, 23, bi) told me her favourite position is "anything from behind because it's the position I feel sexiest in, and have felt that way since I started twerking in bed. I just feel so powerful because I know that just a few strokes and it's too much for them. I just feel mad powerful doing it."
When it comes to heterosexual sexual relations, unsurprisingly, many relationships rely on traditional gender roles, and in doggy your man feels like a man. My best friend continued: "I am generally submissive to men, which I like, but [doggy] is just always a sensory overload for them, even if we've had sex before."
Doggy is the perfect position for so many different situations: shagging someone you don't particularly like the look of or want to see; when you're bored of shagging and need them to cum; if it's extremely hot and excess skin-to-skin contact is unbearable. The only real downsides are carpet burns if you're at it on the floor.
Spooning sex is, more often than not, the ending to a story that starts with you waking up to a boner pressed against your back. It is the optimum morning sex position: it gets the job done, doesn't require too much movement and means you can both avoid breathing foul morning breath at each other. It's intimacy for those who don't really know how to do intimacy.
Girl on Top
If you're a man and this is your favourite position, you're probably fat, lazy or hyper-visual. Every guy I spoke to confirmed this. "I really like it when a girl gets on top," said one straight 26-year-old man. "Maybe because I'm lazy or maybe because I like being dominated? Kinda like it when the wetness goes on my stomach, and I'm like 'skrrrrt'."
Cowgirl, also, is the ultimate cocaine position: all inhibitions lost, you become a total exhibitionist, jiggling and teasing. Another friend, 26 and female, said: "I like being on top, controlling the flow. But I'm also partial to a bit of spanking and choking – which isn't so dominate. It's easy to say my sex life is just as confused as my actual life. Very reflective of me."
"69ing for me is like trying to do your maths homework while someone licks your leg. But maybe I'm just dyspraxic; I have bad coordination" – Male, 26, gay
Men: please try to be truly unselfish for once and just eat your girl out without putting your dick in her mouth. Oral is so much better if you make the act purely about delivering ecstatic pleasure for your partner. True pleasure is giving pleasure.
Unless you're a teenager, 69ing should be as redundant in your life as adults who still find the number 69 funny.
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For me, this really depends on the penis you are working with. A solid eight-incher is easy to pop yourself on, but certain curvature and smaller penises don't fare so well. I once had a particularly unpleasant experience with a penis bending much too far back – or I guess, actually, much too far forward? Anyway, let's just say ever that since then I can't bring myself to look at a slinky as it flops down the stairs.
No idea what this says about you, to be honest. Stop trying to have sex like you're a pornstar If you live in a house-share, this is an incredibly selfish act. Water, sex and pussy don't really mix; water is a solvent, not a lubricant. Also: having sex in bathtubs is totally overrated. When I was 17 years old and my boyfriend's parents went on holiday, we had sex in their tub and flooded the bathroom by mistake. Also, his ballsack floating around looked like a discarded sponge left to fester. Not great for anyone.
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