Earlier this month, we all started inspecting the safety seals on our ice cream cartons—and warily eyeing all of the unsealed ones—after a Texas woman was filmed opening a gallon of Blue Bell Tin Roof ice cream, licking it, and putting it back in the freezer. A few days later, a man in Louisiana did the same thing, and was quickly arrested because he recorded himself and posted the video to Facebook.
But apparently a woman in Pennsylvania watched those two idiots (or some of their less-viral imitators) and said "Hold my iPhone. No really, hold my iPhone, because I'm about to pee all over these potatoes."
According to KDKA, the West Mifflin Borough Police Department is trying to identify a woman who has been accused of urinating directly into a bin of potatoes in a Walmart in West Mifflin, near Pittsburgh. She allegedly walked into the store, gave the vegetables a cursed watering, and then left—but not before a Walmart employee saw what she'd done (or what she was doing).
The West Mifflin police department posted four photos of the woman, taken from Walmart's security cameras, and they are asking for the public's help identifying her. (No, none of the pics show her anywhere near the produce department. Saved you a click, pervs.) She has long dark hair, was wearing a crop top that seemed to say "Adrenaline" on the front, and was carrying a cell phone, earbuds, and a light brown handbag.
In a statement.Walmart said that it had removed and disinfected the bins—and let's all take a sec to consider the hourly worker who had to wipe human pee off a pile of potatoes.
"The safety of our customers is a top priority for us. This type of obscene conduct is outrageous and we immediately disposed of the affected products and sanitized the area to ensure its cleanliness and safety for our customers," the company told KDKA. "We’re working with the West Mifflin Police Department to find the responsible party and have them prosecuted." (VICE has reached out to the cops to determine what charges this woman might face, if and when she's apprehended.)
If she looks familiar—or god forbid, if you've seen her in a supermarket walking briskly toward the root vegetables—you're encouraged to contact the West Mifflin Borough Police Department at 412-461-3125. Also, wash your vegetables before you eat them.