The nose is the second ugliest feature on the human head, after the ears—or third if you happen to have a goatee. But for all its weird lumps and holes and hairs, the nose is a fascinating and versatile tool. It helps us smell and taste and breathe, and even filters air for our lungs like some kind of fleshy Brita. Plus, you'd just look fucking weird without one.
A woman in Portland is currently missing a nose, though, after thieves stole it last weekend like some kind of annoying-ass uncle. This wasn't just any normal nose, though. It was an incredible, two-foot-tall, 50-pound plastic nose, the Oregonian reports.
Last year, Delia Albert and her family "rescued the nose out of a trash/junk pile," Albert explained to VICE via email, and they've been proudly displaying the big honker on their porch ever since. Her three elementary-aged kids all loved the nose and had plans to decorate it for Halloween, according to the Oregonian. But when they woke up Monday morning, they realized the worst had happened—someone had snuck up and snatched the schnoz while they were asleep.
Now, Albert's desperately trying to sniff out the culprits. "We just want it back," she went on. "Mostly our kids want it to be returned."
Albert and her family have decided not to file a police report, instead opting to leave it up to the good people of Portland to pitch in and help find the people who picked the nose. They're also offering a cash reward for the safe return of the snout.
Albert told VICE that her children originally wanted to offer $2,000, but when she explained that the kids would have to offer a reward that they could actually pay, they decided to pool their money for a total of $6.27. It may not be a massive reward, but that story could probably melt the heart of even the cruelest thieves out there.
"We had a lot of good times and good laughs with the nose," Albert told the Oregonian.
If you happen to have any information about the theft, email Delia Albert at firstname.lastname@example.org, no questions asked. And if you nose thieves out there happen to be reading this, please—for the love of all that is holy, take your dumb selfies or whatever and then return the giant nose to Albert's porch immediately. They need to dress it up with a fake mustache and Groucho glasses in time for trick-or-treaters. Like a face, their home just looks kind of naked without it.
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