My name is Tim Key (I’m 32) and I have been asked (thankfully) by the guys from Vice (Alex, Alison etc.) to provide them with a diary for their publication (Vice). Namely, I am in Edinburgh at the festival and they want me to do a diary (for Viceland/Vice – both of which are quite sordid). After I was asked I said yes. I didn’t see a problem with it except for time, and now things have died down so I’m doing it.
I’ve done a week of my show (The Slutcracker) now. I’m doing it in Edinburgh (in Scotland) and it’s a show (artistic) which tackles themes (love/death/fucking/cars) using the art form of poetry. It’s quite a loose piece (there’s a brilliant poem, just remembering, about dew). The shows have been going quite well and I’d like to write a couple of anecdotes about things that have happened in the show and also I’d like to write one (or maximum of two) anecdotes about things that have happened in real life (but still in Edinburgh).

On the third night (of the run), my show (The Slutcracker) really went crazy. Someone had come in who was a right prick and he started trying to pick a fight with me. I gave him some abuse (I had the mic) and basically slaughtered him and also threw a bit of sand at him (I use sand in my show). Then he pulls a knife. The venue staff had to come in and the guy swished the knife and it sliced my wrist. A big guy who was just watching (and enjoying) the show then overpowered him and twisted his arm behind his back and sat on it and it broke (audibly). Then he shuffled out but he was still furious. Not a bad anecdote.

On one of the other nights (the sixth, I think), there was a hell of a storm outside and rain started coming in through the roof. In the end, there was so much rain (gallons of the stuff) that the venue became flooded. I carried on doing it (I’m a pro) and did my act with the water up to my neck. The front row had the worst of it as the water was above their heads, so they perished. I do a brilliant piece about tipping in Nando’s but it fell flat because everyone was either dead or helping to revive the dead or joining in with the dead. My technician, Fletch, ultimately opened the door and the water rushed away and I had a go at him for not doing it sooner. He’s 22 and he’s a magic act, too, and he’s looking to do some gigs whilst he’s up here.

This final anecdote is about real life. I was in a bar after doing my show and a girl came up to me who had seen the show and was vehement in her support of it. I thought this was terrific and increasingly kept touching her hip. Ultimately she got the message and we got off with each other and then climbed Arthur’s Seat. On the top of Arthur’s Seat she twisted her ankle because we were fighting and then on the way down she fell sixty feet because she was hobbling and I was refusing to help because I was in a mood. Some men helped and I piled her into a cab. Edinburgh’s a really great place for bars. I sometimes drink ten beers in one session.

I’ve only seen a couple of shows so far. Nick Mohammed and Simon Brodkin. I would recommend them both.