Dubiina Box *

A scene from Dom II.
 

Fuck, Russian TV is bad. It takes “so bad it’s good” into entirely new realms. The best (worst) of Russian TV is so utterly abysmal that it’s completely amazing. Here are the worst (best) shows that it has to offer.

Anshlag
This show is so bad that it’s considered a threat to the nation. Defense Minister (and quite likely Russia’s next president) Sergei Ivanov lashed out at Anshlag for causing “the moronization of the people.” But, while most Russians hardly batted an eye as the Kremlin took control of any TV channels that opposed it politically, taking Anshlag off the air was considered way too dangerous. Russia’s masses love it. It’s sort of a variety show, hosted by a middle-aged peroxide skeleton prone to unearthly peals of laughter. The sketches, filmed in front of a live studio audience, switch between schlocky Soviet comedy, featuring vaguely raunchy jokes about sex and vodka, and lame stunts featuring literal clowns. A typical joke might be, “A lot of vodka is impossible…” ba-da-boom, ba-da-bing! Seriously, that’s the punch line.

There are musical acts, tux-clad magicians, fireworks, and lots of shiny sequins. Anyone who unlocks the secret of this show’s appeal to the masses possesses the key to Russia’s vast treasures, as well as its soul. PS: Mikhail Evdokimov, a comedian from this show, successfully made the jump to politics, winning the governor’s election in the Altai Region a couple of years ago. But he wrapped his Merc 500 around a telephone pole last August while going over 100 mph on a potholed road, so that’s one less Anshlag member the Kremlin has to worry about. 

Dom II (House 2)
Reality TV in Russia is fucking amazing. One popular show, Golod (Hunger), stuck a bunch of Russians in New York with no money and about five words of English between them, and told them to fend for themselves. To make a long series short, the guys ended up pimping out the girls to make ends meet. That show’s popularity pales in comparison to Dom II, which is still the most highly rated show in the country more than two years after its premiere. Basically, it’s a reality show in which several couples live in a house and are constantly pairing off. Couples are sometimes given access to one of three VIP apartments, where they can take a break from the constant infighting in the main house. While the format isn’t particularly innovative, the contestants have a way of keeping it fun. For example, someone leaked a hardcore porn tape to the media featuring one of the female contestants. Then there was the hysteric chick who drove her boyfriend so crazy that he bitch-smacked her right there on national TV! What came next could only happen in Russia. They cut to a confessional, where the girl told the camera, “I’m happy that he hit me, because now I know he’s a real man!” Another guy — a real star with the show’s ladies — was arrested with the cameras still rolling. Apparently, he scammed some woman in provincial Russia a few years back and she recognized him on the tube. The show’s also got its share of unplanned pregnancies, swinging couples, and marriage proposals. It’s broadcast twice a day, once during primetime and once after hours (when they show the girls showering uncensored). 

Vesti: Dezhurnaya Chast
Whatever censorship there is in Russia, it doesn’t apply to true crime. In fact, it’s tough to say which show is the most brutal, as they’ve all got their moments. Dorozhnyi Patrul (Highway Patrol) would win in terms of pure bloodiness. The show is just some white Opel driving around Moscow looking for car wrecks, murder scenes, and burn victims. Often they’ll manage to show severed limbs that haven’t been hosed down yet after a particularly brutal car accident. TV channel NTV has the best crime special reports, like the documentary on cannibalism in which they interviewed a real, live cannibal who’s doing hard labor in Russian prison. When asked what human flesh tasted like, he said, “It’s tough to say… you kinda have to try it.” But Vesti: Dezhurnaya Chast (News: On Duty) offers the broadest cross-section of reporting on organized crime, official corruption, and drunken violence. Where else can you find hidden cameras showing how easy it is for a Chechen to bribe a traffic cop into not checking out a van full of explosives, warnings about a serial rapist roaming in the south of Moscow (including interviews with his victims, faces blotted out), and an exclusive tour of a 10-foot deep, 150-foot long tunnel that was intended to burrow into a bank’s safe… all in a 15 minute, commercial-free segment? They also frequently take viewers on tours of crime scenes in the heart of working class Moscow. Sometimes the bodies have already been shipped to the morgue and all that remains is dried blood, but sometimes, if you’re lucky, you get to see the corpse!

CORMAC CHIN
* Dubiina = Idiot. http://www.insultmonger.com/swearing/russian.htm