Alright, the bastards have been separated from the boys. It’s time to go a little further into the cave of evil with our last 16.

South Africa 1-2 Argentina

This could have been a final, it really could. Well, at least a quarter-final. Any country that can boast a butch, rugby playing, endangered lion hunting government as evil as South Africa’s Apartheid regime was is in with a great chance. But not only can Argentina match that with it’s late 20th century dictatorships and their propensity to throw dissenters out of aeroplanes (“They are neither dead nor alive, they are disappeared”, was General Videla’s explanation for the years of killing) but the South American country is also the master of football evil. They bribe, they drug and they fuck its way to glory with the mighty besuited badger Maradona leading the charge. Here they are celebrating.

Japan 1-0 New Zealand

Being attacked by nuclear weapons is a pretty raw deal. However, it’s hard to pretend that being Middle Earth, having lots of clean air and a fondness for outdoor living is evil compared to killing whales, celebrating writers who are unhealthily obsessed with samurai culture to the point where they kill themselves and teaming up with Hitler.

France 3-2 Nigeria

Corruption isn’t corruption in Nigeria; it’s the law. If you work for an oil company and you want to give one of your employees a few million bucks in exchange for some wacky politics, what’s the big hoohar? When Nigeria wanted to employ Jesus’ disability avenger Glenn Hoddle as their national coach, they told him he’d be paid $1.5 million a year as long as he gave back $500,000 as a bribe. Hoddle refused and marched out, pausing only to kick a kid with Aids to death. But all of that is nothing compared to France’s fucked up football team, with its star sign obsessed handshake shunning coach, racist in-fighting and love of under-age whores.

Serbia 1-3 England

If it’s avoiding the international criminal court you’re after, the Serbs rule. You could take lessons from them on not knowing the way to The Hague. But England had the good sense to get down to its evildoing when The Hague was just a fishing village run by drunk Dutchmen and Serbia was a non-existent country run by the curled moustache of the Ottoman Empire. The Serbs may have Nemanja Vidic and his penchant for oddly Nazi looking military hats, but the English have John Terry who likes to piss on other people’s wives and would probably laugh if you told him all about the evil’s of the British Empire. Laugh and then jerk off all over your TV or something.

Germany 0-0 USA (AET. Germany win 6-5 on penalties)

The favourites are out. Two of the titans of evil have come up against each other early on and in the end Germany’s footballing history gives them the edge. It may seem evil when you hear Americans talking about “head-shots”, “shut-outs”, and “overtime”, but the Germans have been diving, maiming and boasting their way to the top of world football since Otto Von Bismarck kicked a small buoy off the deck of his battleship and declared it a game. Also, they have Hitler.

Spain 2-0 Portugal

When you’ve got the Inquisition, the killing of Othello’s people and a pathological love of ham to boast about, you know you’re gonna go far in the Evil game. They also have an inordinate number of players nicknamed “the beast”, “butcher” or “animal”. Ronaldo’s annoying, but too handicapped to be evil.

Holland 0-2 Italy

Fans of Ajax, an Amsterdam team with Jewish links, are often attacked with this chant: “Hamas, hamas, hamas, Jews into the gas”. But every game in Italy is fixed, their national team is shit and all their players perform with the dual aim of diving and injuring the opposition fixed in their mind . Historically, the Dutch once had some debonair pirates to boast of but since then have been pretty much being heavy crush under various German boots. As for Italy, their army was usually too fey to cause much damage, but the evil intention was always there.

Switzerland 2-4 North Korea

North Korea’s evil is out in the open, there for writers to take the piss out of and governments to fear. Switzerland’s has always been about being neutral in order to make as much money as is humanly possible from the most corrupt, mendacious and brutal people in the world. Still, the ski resorts are simply lovely and the fact that there are probably only three people in North Korea who know that is just criminal. So hats off to the Mercedes driving, cognac quaffing elite of Pyongyang.